One of the things I find interesting about accountability is how often the word triggers people instead of empowering them. Have had multiple conversations about it this week and it keeps popping up as a theme.
Here's a theory.
We all have needs and some of them we need to meet ourselves. Throughout our lives we continuously grow and grow to meet more of own needs and become less dependent upon others.
Self sufficiency is something I value and admire in others and it seems to be a constant quest to surface honest needs and seek out ways to meet them. That humble moment when you realize that you can be sufficient in an area that you otherwise thought you could not, can be a great source of personal fulfillment, pride and self love.
When I hear people ask for what they need from others I also see this as an authentic indicator of where they are in their journey. Some needs can be met by others. Teach a man to fish if he is hungry. But feeding a man every day can become dependency.
What if we all worked to eliminate the need for our current contributions so that we could move on to support even greater needs?
What if the rise to self actualization is about establishing frameworks that meet certain needs sustainably and then letting them go, again and again? And what if we all did that?
A hungry man learns to fish; teaches other hungry men; then learns to build houses and teaches again.
What if all of us pursued our passions with that intent and aimed our strengths at meeting our needs first then meeting the needs of others?
Then you have this notion of holding others accountable. I find this fascinating.
When someone says "here is what I need from you" I can't imagine a more honest statement if it is genuine. But when those words fall upon the ears of another, and in particular a person who is not listening to their own needs and expressing them, it can feel like a burden to them, or an obligation or even an expectation.
Just sit back and listen to conversations. I don't know about you but all too often I hear "this is what I need" "yeah, well this is what I need" "well my need is more important" "well I don't know who's going to do this but I need it so there".
I have a lot of compassion for this - it's just where much of humanity is right now, and it's not an easy paradigm to shift.
If I'm starving and I say to the man that knows how to fish, "please catch me a fish - I am hungry," why wouldn't that man meet the immediate need out of compassion? But from that moment on if I am that man who knows how to fish, my responsibility is to teach the hungry man how to meet his own needs. And if he continues to expect me to fish for him, then it is my responsibility to hold him accountable to what I have taught him. In these moments, while painful at times, I should stand back until the hunger drives him to action. That lesson is no longer about fishing. It's now about him realizing that he can fish and meet his own needs and seeing him as capable of doing so. To see him otherwise is reflection of my character.
A man who asks for fish when starving but won't fish himself when taught and who returns to starvation, and even then puts his life on the line to validate the belief that others should take care of him, is the trickiest manipulation of them all. It takes advantage of others and feeds it's own counter productive cycle.
Buried beneath this cycle is a sense of entitlement and this is not the same as self worth. It's not that humanity is lazy but rather that being human is not easy. What if we never ever forgot that?
Now, I'm not talking about people who can't learn a new skill. Some people are here to teach us how to give and to be compassionate.
I'm talking about people who are capable.
When you value yourself you are responsible for meeting your needs and sensing when a man has been taught to fish but won't do it. It is in telling that man - No, that you affirm your self worth. It is in having a boundary and modeling that boundary with this man that you create an environment where others feel safe to pursue their gifts without fear of exploitation. You also affirm the truth, and that is that reality is not always going to be easy. What if anyone who portrays that it is, is lying? And what if portraying reality with it's challenges and it's triumphs - is beautiful?
One of the darkest moments of my life and one I am so very grateful for has been to hold that boundary with a person that I knew could fish for themselves. And one of the other darkest moments of my life has been experiencing that boundary held by another in a time when I did not want to fish for myself but when fishing was exactly what I needed to do.
The shadow, our darker sides, our destructive sides - can be great gifts when we give them bigger purpose and especially when that purpose serves something bigger than ourselves.
This is where truth can hurt. Accountability is only fun if you accept and befriend it.
Taking accountability in each moment, striving to be accountable - first for meeting your needs, then for following through on commitments to others, then for pursuing purpose, then for lifting up humanity .... what if we all accepted this path? And, what if this path is the authentic human condition?
Can you really outsource personal accountability? Can you really put that in the hands of governments or organizations or communities?
I think you can have businesses and services that help people be accountable and I think you can have laws that hold people accountable but what if there is a future state where there is no need for even these?
We teach children to get good grades and to learn but do we teach them how to be accountable for themselves? And I don't mean accountable for the standards that others impose on them. Do we teach them how to discover who they are and what they need and how to chart a course in life to meet these needs? Do we have enough room for unlimited possibilities in terms of these courses and paths towards need fulfillment being expressed?
And what about the shadow of humanity? Can't we unite in understanding that our darker sides can serve such a bigger purpose? What if our darkness holds a boundary when accountability is the lesson to be taught? Instead of using our darkness to destroy one another's paths or to project our insecurities onto each other, or to judge or to hate, why can't our darkness be used to protect our own paths and to hold the boundary of our sacred space?
Someone criticized me today. My shadow demolished their words in my head and heart. Then my light empathized with them.
Someone tried to blame me for their problem today. My shadow firmly held the line as I cut through that blame and observed who they are right now and where they are at. My light forgave them and created a possibility for us to move forward.
The parts of me that would have tried to please people in the past, would have taken on their request to shoulder blame or to absorb criticism. And then, my shadow would have punished me for it, or even worse - would have taken it out on someone else.
I am over being Pollyanna and I am over being endlessly optimistic. Pursuing possibility is no more different than deciding to go right or left. It can be emotional, exciting or simply turning. What I love about Appreciative Inquiry is that possibility begins with the craft of questioning and where you end up is dependent upon the questions that you ask. Why not craft questions that pursue the best interest of everyone?
What if the questions that we ask have enough room for the light and the dark to work together? And what if being accountable for all of who we are and all of our needs is the authentic human experience?
What if it's not just about being positive or just being negative but rather it's about moving forward?
What if the pursuit of happiness is actually the pursuit of being accountable for all of who you are?
And what if who you are, is a lifetime - of bliss and pain and laughter and sorrow and selfishness and liberation and focus and laziness and commitment and forgetfulness and love and hate and creation and destruction and what if your character or even your destiny, is decided by how accountable you hold yourself to owning and learning from each of these?
Lastly, what if that authentic sense of accomplishment is to earn a badge for each and in way that you are personally proud of? Wouldn't that make for a fun app like Foursquare? :)
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Day 22 - What if humble pie is the ultimate superfood?
When one practices the art of seeing people for their gifts and seeking out their gifts, it is inevitable that you will be faced with people who have caused you pain in the past and asking yourself "can you see them for their gifts?"
If you can and you can be happy for them for what are they are achieving .... it's incredibly humbling. In fact, it's transformational.
There is a quote by Bob Marley that a good friend sent to me that goes "... truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
Apparently, I'm an over-achiever at everything, including finding the right people worth suffering for.
It's human to want to connect, to want to belong and to feel hurt when you don't. It's human to pursue our own unique paths and to let people come and go as you do. It's human to want some experiences to last and it's human to suffer when they don't.
But do you avoid this? Can you? What if it's exactly what you need to grow? What if there's nobody to blame and none of it went wrong? What if it's all so deliciously perfect exactly the way it is?
Another close friend and I were having a great conversation about authentic life. She pulled out her phone and showed me this video of an artist by the name of Marina Abramovic. Her exhibit featured her making eye contact with complete strangers. To her surprise, one of those strangers turned out to be what my friend described to me as "the love of her life". Apparently, previously they had parted, decidedly saying goodbye on the Great Wall of China and walking two different directions.
Here is the first time they had seen one another since and to our knowledge, the last.
The video captures so much of what it's like to be human. Many of us have our needs taken care of. We are not starving, we have roofs over our heads and are surrounded by support - and yet, this human condition entangles us in signature ways. We do meet exactly the right people at the right time and for reasons that can take a long time to understand but somehow serve as part of that rise to self actualization.
What I see here are two people who's lives came together for but a chapter that never left them the same. They must had been on many adventures since parting and yet what they had never went away.
Maybe because what they had, changed them both for the better in ways neither could understand until now.
What I see here are two people eating a big ol piece of humble pie, together, and perhaps as yet another way to be the right people at the right time for what they both needed on this day.
Good for them for this moment.
This is not an easy topic to discuss, I see part of my own story here and while I look at myself and say "nothing is missing, you have everything you need" I owe so much of who I am to people I have loved and who have loved me and who's lives, lessons and growth have strangely become entangled with my own and in ways that continue to punch and punch and punch ... but with each one, I get stronger and stronger. Is that what being human is really like? Is this what I signed up for? - Ha!!! oh geez ... I am cracking up!!! But, I humbly say - can a person who's purpose is to help others create possibilities and dream really do that authentically if they have not dared to dream in the face of pain themselves?
One might look at this story and say "what if they had found a way?"
I might have actually asked that question in the past, no - I would have asked that question in the past, but I look at it differently now.
I ask myself "what were they able to achieve because they came into one another's lives?" "How many more people were they able to impact?" "How much were they able to learn about themselves from the time they shared?" "How much did they grow and were they humble enough to be grateful for the growth they sparked in one another?" And look - they're still entangled and helping each other grow even after all these years.
I can't imagine that the gentleman walking in and sitting in the chair felt anything but proud of what she had accomplished in this exhibit. Why would he come if he wasn't loving towards her and her work? And why would he come if he didn't feel compelled from some deeper sense of purpose? They both created this moment and showed up to experience a new possibility.
Some connections between people are so potent, and so strong that their experiences together are not meant to look traditional, conventional or be placed into a box or even labeled. And some people are meant to do big things in this lifetime and sometimes loving someone is getting out of their way and holding love for them from a distance, all the while continuing to experience the great things life has to offer, including loving again.
When you can do that, and really feel it, the humbling nature of it can teach invaluable lessons in forgiveness, compassion and love ... if you are willing to let yourself learn the lesson.
There is no comparison between these two and no words of mine can actually describe what's really going on between them. What they share is obviously theirs. I feel tremendous love for both of them when watching this video and see my light in both of them. It's rare to see humble pie so preciously and authentically on display. These are the moments that mark the character of people and you'll never see them on Facebook or in an article about a person's work but could you imagine if achieving these experiences were as valued and validated by society as things or money or lifestyles of the rich and famous we are bombarded with every day? What a world that would be - to celebrate each other's authentic growth and on a massive scale!
So, you'll see many books about self help and see many adds for super foods you can eat but as my friend Jodene says in her Ted Talk, life's lessons are how you grow. Don't let these other distractions rob you of what's truly your unique opportunity to eat a piece of humble pie.
If you can and you can be happy for them for what are they are achieving .... it's incredibly humbling. In fact, it's transformational.
There is a quote by Bob Marley that a good friend sent to me that goes "... truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
Apparently, I'm an over-achiever at everything, including finding the right people worth suffering for.
It's human to want to connect, to want to belong and to feel hurt when you don't. It's human to pursue our own unique paths and to let people come and go as you do. It's human to want some experiences to last and it's human to suffer when they don't.
But do you avoid this? Can you? What if it's exactly what you need to grow? What if there's nobody to blame and none of it went wrong? What if it's all so deliciously perfect exactly the way it is?
Another close friend and I were having a great conversation about authentic life. She pulled out her phone and showed me this video of an artist by the name of Marina Abramovic. Her exhibit featured her making eye contact with complete strangers. To her surprise, one of those strangers turned out to be what my friend described to me as "the love of her life". Apparently, previously they had parted, decidedly saying goodbye on the Great Wall of China and walking two different directions.
Here is the first time they had seen one another since and to our knowledge, the last.
The video captures so much of what it's like to be human. Many of us have our needs taken care of. We are not starving, we have roofs over our heads and are surrounded by support - and yet, this human condition entangles us in signature ways. We do meet exactly the right people at the right time and for reasons that can take a long time to understand but somehow serve as part of that rise to self actualization.
What I see here are two people who's lives came together for but a chapter that never left them the same. They must had been on many adventures since parting and yet what they had never went away.
Maybe because what they had, changed them both for the better in ways neither could understand until now.
What I see here are two people eating a big ol piece of humble pie, together, and perhaps as yet another way to be the right people at the right time for what they both needed on this day.
Good for them for this moment.
This is not an easy topic to discuss, I see part of my own story here and while I look at myself and say "nothing is missing, you have everything you need" I owe so much of who I am to people I have loved and who have loved me and who's lives, lessons and growth have strangely become entangled with my own and in ways that continue to punch and punch and punch ... but with each one, I get stronger and stronger. Is that what being human is really like? Is this what I signed up for? - Ha!!! oh geez ... I am cracking up!!! But, I humbly say - can a person who's purpose is to help others create possibilities and dream really do that authentically if they have not dared to dream in the face of pain themselves?
One might look at this story and say "what if they had found a way?"
I might have actually asked that question in the past, no - I would have asked that question in the past, but I look at it differently now.
I ask myself "what were they able to achieve because they came into one another's lives?" "How many more people were they able to impact?" "How much were they able to learn about themselves from the time they shared?" "How much did they grow and were they humble enough to be grateful for the growth they sparked in one another?" And look - they're still entangled and helping each other grow even after all these years.
I can't imagine that the gentleman walking in and sitting in the chair felt anything but proud of what she had accomplished in this exhibit. Why would he come if he wasn't loving towards her and her work? And why would he come if he didn't feel compelled from some deeper sense of purpose? They both created this moment and showed up to experience a new possibility.
Some connections between people are so potent, and so strong that their experiences together are not meant to look traditional, conventional or be placed into a box or even labeled. And some people are meant to do big things in this lifetime and sometimes loving someone is getting out of their way and holding love for them from a distance, all the while continuing to experience the great things life has to offer, including loving again.
When you can do that, and really feel it, the humbling nature of it can teach invaluable lessons in forgiveness, compassion and love ... if you are willing to let yourself learn the lesson.
There is no comparison between these two and no words of mine can actually describe what's really going on between them. What they share is obviously theirs. I feel tremendous love for both of them when watching this video and see my light in both of them. It's rare to see humble pie so preciously and authentically on display. These are the moments that mark the character of people and you'll never see them on Facebook or in an article about a person's work but could you imagine if achieving these experiences were as valued and validated by society as things or money or lifestyles of the rich and famous we are bombarded with every day? What a world that would be - to celebrate each other's authentic growth and on a massive scale!
So, you'll see many books about self help and see many adds for super foods you can eat but as my friend Jodene says in her Ted Talk, life's lessons are how you grow. Don't let these other distractions rob you of what's truly your unique opportunity to eat a piece of humble pie.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Day 21 - What is your real story?
Well, now Im feeling good taking care of myself - saying no when things don't align and yes when they do.
The calmness and confidence are back. I can feel myself genuinely being present for others and empathetic towards them.
It's not that each day goes without challenges or the occasional fear, but it's becoming more like - oh, ok, this is happening now - let's deal with it.
I think a part of me just didn't trust that I was taking care of priorities and it felt like I was spinning.
My real story here is that certain aspects of who I am stand as guardians and protectors. Some of what others may perceive to be less than idea qualities actually flair up so that I can return to that sense of self. The need to change, the gut instinct that something is not right, the sense of self feeling out of balance and the overwhelming nature of certain obstacles just stacking up. What would a skunk do in this situation?
I'm being honest with myself about certain people that came into my life last year.
What if so much of what happened was just protecting me? In hind sight - I think this is the real story after all. When things are so busy that you can't settle into your own intuition and your own inner dialogue, sometimes parts of who you are have to take the reins to ensure you are safe.
What if a health issue is a way you are keeping you safe, or, a mask, or even behaviors that can send people running? What if it's all a way to protect you? And especially if the people you are responsible for supporting are people that nobody ever see's or knows or really can? 20,000 employees and their ideas. Sheesh!
Deep breaths, efforts to focus, small wins, being my own source for validation and seeing people for their strengths have all returned and seem to be consistent.
Humor and kindness bubble up throughout the day and the pressure of puffing up is gone.
I can see these guardians of mine relinquishing the wheel to me yet again. I'm trusting myself to make awesome decisions and practicing them with purpose.
There are big goals, and big deliverables and accountabilities in my reality - right now - but with oars in the water - stroke after stroke - Im moving.
This sense of 'self love' as a priority and seeing it as the source through which I give to anyone has been an incredible shift. I mean, the audacity that one takes care of one's self first. How dare I?
Ive asked almost everyone Ive come in contact with if they can look at themselves in the mirror and say that they love themselves and mean it. To my shock, the answer has been 100% - No.
I don't see this as a problem. I see this as a possibility.
Teaching Project Me, applying Appreciative Inquiry and building up who you are, for yourself, and in a way that does not puff up, in a way that keeps you humble, in a way that declares your sacred space - is very valuable! Then - put YOU in play and give back.
Im having to be careful about who I make eye contact with right now. People are drawn to me again. It's happening everywhere I go. These words are true, and saying them is sacred.
There's seeing yourself in someone's eyes and feeling your own sense of self worth and then there's seeing something that someone else has in their eyes and wanting it.
This boundary is so clear.
So yes, Im still your average guy, human just like everyone else and I'm still an adaptive narcissist, able to look myself in the eye and love what I see, but I am also an altruist at heart and know in my heart that Im here for something bigger and it will benefit many people! And, I have tricky little guardians that keep me safe from the wrong people and I'm quite grateful for them. But I want to trust myself to do this job.
Great things ahead in all that I do and for all who are fortunate enough to cross my path.... if you are the right people.
The calmness and confidence are back. I can feel myself genuinely being present for others and empathetic towards them.
It's not that each day goes without challenges or the occasional fear, but it's becoming more like - oh, ok, this is happening now - let's deal with it.
I think a part of me just didn't trust that I was taking care of priorities and it felt like I was spinning.
My real story here is that certain aspects of who I am stand as guardians and protectors. Some of what others may perceive to be less than idea qualities actually flair up so that I can return to that sense of self. The need to change, the gut instinct that something is not right, the sense of self feeling out of balance and the overwhelming nature of certain obstacles just stacking up. What would a skunk do in this situation?
I'm being honest with myself about certain people that came into my life last year.
What if so much of what happened was just protecting me? In hind sight - I think this is the real story after all. When things are so busy that you can't settle into your own intuition and your own inner dialogue, sometimes parts of who you are have to take the reins to ensure you are safe.
What if a health issue is a way you are keeping you safe, or, a mask, or even behaviors that can send people running? What if it's all a way to protect you? And especially if the people you are responsible for supporting are people that nobody ever see's or knows or really can? 20,000 employees and their ideas. Sheesh!
Deep breaths, efforts to focus, small wins, being my own source for validation and seeing people for their strengths have all returned and seem to be consistent.
Humor and kindness bubble up throughout the day and the pressure of puffing up is gone.
I can see these guardians of mine relinquishing the wheel to me yet again. I'm trusting myself to make awesome decisions and practicing them with purpose.
There are big goals, and big deliverables and accountabilities in my reality - right now - but with oars in the water - stroke after stroke - Im moving.
This sense of 'self love' as a priority and seeing it as the source through which I give to anyone has been an incredible shift. I mean, the audacity that one takes care of one's self first. How dare I?
Ive asked almost everyone Ive come in contact with if they can look at themselves in the mirror and say that they love themselves and mean it. To my shock, the answer has been 100% - No.
I don't see this as a problem. I see this as a possibility.
Teaching Project Me, applying Appreciative Inquiry and building up who you are, for yourself, and in a way that does not puff up, in a way that keeps you humble, in a way that declares your sacred space - is very valuable! Then - put YOU in play and give back.
Im having to be careful about who I make eye contact with right now. People are drawn to me again. It's happening everywhere I go. These words are true, and saying them is sacred.
There's seeing yourself in someone's eyes and feeling your own sense of self worth and then there's seeing something that someone else has in their eyes and wanting it.
This boundary is so clear.
So yes, Im still your average guy, human just like everyone else and I'm still an adaptive narcissist, able to look myself in the eye and love what I see, but I am also an altruist at heart and know in my heart that Im here for something bigger and it will benefit many people! And, I have tricky little guardians that keep me safe from the wrong people and I'm quite grateful for them. But I want to trust myself to do this job.
Great things ahead in all that I do and for all who are fortunate enough to cross my path.... if you are the right people.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Day 19 - Coming out as a healthy narcissist and proud :)
Yesterday, was one of those unique days when you get that feeling like no matter what, everything is going to be just fine.
I stood at the San Diego convention center looking out over the ocean, tall buildings around me, trees growing up through holes in the concrete and hedges of jasmine flowers. It felt like something from a science fiction film with the blend of architecture and nature and the view. The clouds were especially appropriate and so perfect for the thoughts and feelings I was having.
Clarity - purpose - confidence - self love - surrendering.
I wrote a resignation letter to the Universe and I read it aloud staring out over the San Diego bay.
"I'm done being in charge, Im yours, and Im ready." - were the primary themes.
As I walked alone I could feel myself connecting with the sets of unique abilities I have.... touching each inside, warming them up like little engines that could. The gaze on my face was determination, but subtle and caring. Im not just a machine ... I have an enormously endowed heart. Actually, I am an enormously endowed human.
This morning I walked by the mirror and paused to look myself in the eyes. Got in very close and started to have a conversation with me. A personal one.
I looked at myself in the eyes, the way Ive looked at lovers and was taken back - it took my breath away. It was intriguing I wondered if I'm becoming a complete and total narcissist.
During this conversation with myself I wasn't admiring anything physical about myself, it was looking into my own eyes with complete honesty and finding myself loving who I saw in there. I asked myself, "are you ready for what's to come?"and then looking right back at me the words came out "you're building, you're taking care of you - right now - that is your assignment and you don't have to do anything else you don't want to right now - keep it up".
This did not feel like the words of a narcissist. But, I was still curious enough to look up a little about healthy narcissism and read this blog.
It's obvious to me now that Facebook had become an expression of the psycodynamic mask model of narcissism and it flared up during times of high stress and rapid change as a way to see metrics I could control (generating like counts & comments), validation and a steady source of pleasure in support of, well - just coping with life. Yup - I was one of those kids who's parents did not believe in giving every kid a trophy for everything they did. Add to that, being gay, coming out, abandoning religious programing and flying solo into the world to make something of myself .... yeah, I get it. Throw in some heartbreak, new responsibilities at work and a little over-isolation, over working and a few health challenges ... yeah - I get it.
Im so grateful that I could feel something was just wrong and that it was coming out through Facebook. I'm so grateful that my healthy narcissism took a turn towards the mask model and made me feel inauthentic. Im so grateful that the right people came into my life and acted as catalysts to discover this.
In the end, Im so proud of myself. I listened to my internal feelings. I listened to my gut. I changed the things I did not like about my circumstances.
Project Me - Deploy Phase - it's out on the table, this is all about me and I could care less about who reads it, favorites it or re-tweets it. Will say this again, if these words add value to your life - good. Im glad. But I'm doing this for me. Get your own Project Me! You're worth it!!
This is as consistently authentic as I've been on social media, I think ever in my life. What I post matches exactly how I am feeling and it's not always happy. Some of these questions, while appreciative, are rooted in real challenge and real work and there is some real growth taking place.
Im just glad that I'm looking at myself lovingly and taking myself out into the world to have conversations in epic settings about my purpose. This is so - authentic me. I felt like a comic book character having a conversation with the Universe at the convention center. OMG - I love me so much!
Im so grateful to be giving myself the time and space to build and pursue what feels right to me right now!
Of course I am spending time with people and going places and doing things but that's none of your business. That's not what I'm on social media for right now. And my life, is not up for validation. Neither are my choices. Nor is my purpose.
So there ya have it. I am coming out as a healthy narcissist and proud of it :)
I stood at the San Diego convention center looking out over the ocean, tall buildings around me, trees growing up through holes in the concrete and hedges of jasmine flowers. It felt like something from a science fiction film with the blend of architecture and nature and the view. The clouds were especially appropriate and so perfect for the thoughts and feelings I was having.
Clarity - purpose - confidence - self love - surrendering.
I wrote a resignation letter to the Universe and I read it aloud staring out over the San Diego bay.
"I'm done being in charge, Im yours, and Im ready." - were the primary themes.
As I walked alone I could feel myself connecting with the sets of unique abilities I have.... touching each inside, warming them up like little engines that could. The gaze on my face was determination, but subtle and caring. Im not just a machine ... I have an enormously endowed heart. Actually, I am an enormously endowed human.
This morning I walked by the mirror and paused to look myself in the eyes. Got in very close and started to have a conversation with me. A personal one.
I looked at myself in the eyes, the way Ive looked at lovers and was taken back - it took my breath away. It was intriguing I wondered if I'm becoming a complete and total narcissist.
During this conversation with myself I wasn't admiring anything physical about myself, it was looking into my own eyes with complete honesty and finding myself loving who I saw in there. I asked myself, "are you ready for what's to come?"and then looking right back at me the words came out "you're building, you're taking care of you - right now - that is your assignment and you don't have to do anything else you don't want to right now - keep it up".
This did not feel like the words of a narcissist. But, I was still curious enough to look up a little about healthy narcissism and read this blog.
It's obvious to me now that Facebook had become an expression of the psycodynamic mask model of narcissism and it flared up during times of high stress and rapid change as a way to see metrics I could control (generating like counts & comments), validation and a steady source of pleasure in support of, well - just coping with life. Yup - I was one of those kids who's parents did not believe in giving every kid a trophy for everything they did. Add to that, being gay, coming out, abandoning religious programing and flying solo into the world to make something of myself .... yeah, I get it. Throw in some heartbreak, new responsibilities at work and a little over-isolation, over working and a few health challenges ... yeah - I get it.
Im so grateful that I could feel something was just wrong and that it was coming out through Facebook. I'm so grateful that my healthy narcissism took a turn towards the mask model and made me feel inauthentic. Im so grateful that the right people came into my life and acted as catalysts to discover this.
In the end, Im so proud of myself. I listened to my internal feelings. I listened to my gut. I changed the things I did not like about my circumstances.
Project Me - Deploy Phase - it's out on the table, this is all about me and I could care less about who reads it, favorites it or re-tweets it. Will say this again, if these words add value to your life - good. Im glad. But I'm doing this for me. Get your own Project Me! You're worth it!!
This is as consistently authentic as I've been on social media, I think ever in my life. What I post matches exactly how I am feeling and it's not always happy. Some of these questions, while appreciative, are rooted in real challenge and real work and there is some real growth taking place.
Im just glad that I'm looking at myself lovingly and taking myself out into the world to have conversations in epic settings about my purpose. This is so - authentic me. I felt like a comic book character having a conversation with the Universe at the convention center. OMG - I love me so much!
Im so grateful to be giving myself the time and space to build and pursue what feels right to me right now!
Of course I am spending time with people and going places and doing things but that's none of your business. That's not what I'm on social media for right now. And my life, is not up for validation. Neither are my choices. Nor is my purpose.
So there ya have it. I am coming out as a healthy narcissist and proud of it :)
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Day 18 - What if you can craft an epic inner world?
It's been said that the outer world is a reflection of your inner world. If this is true, why seek answers from anyplace else?
Don't get me wrong - I love reading books and knowledge sharing, especially when my inner world surfaces something I don't know how to describe or change, but it's from rummaging around in there that these challenges become identified and overcome.
Sometimes someone outside will trigger something inside and again this becomes a need to rearrange a few pieces of inner furniture to get some perspective. But it still was never about the person on the outside.
When I say - create an epic inner life, it can start with looking at what's working and at the tiniest scale.
Let's take the cells in your body for example. There is an epic adventure taking place every day between healthy cells, fungus, viruses and disease at the microscopic level of who you are. This is true for everyone.
One way to cultivate an epic inner world is to think about the food you eat and how you position your cells to be their best selves on your behalf. Maybe it can be thought of as a great big ocean of beautiful organisms and predators. In the ocean, if you take out a predator completely then populations of other organisms get out of control and cause just as many problems.
What if the dance between healthy cells, viruses and even cancer cells is a beautiful balance where all are needed and could be loved?
Why cast hate on any of these but rather seek to find ways to keep them in balance?
What if it's all a big dance?
And what if the outer world is also a dance?
What if the dance becomes a war?
Perhaps a tumor grows or perhaps a country becomes over-run by hate or famine. How does one approach these? Are they problems or possibilities? Is there a need to fight or a need to advocate for balance?
As an individual, taking full responsibility for my experiences (without blame, or playing the victim) becomes the first step when trying to change circumstances that I do not like or to face an illness (a reality) that I hope to recover from.
On a global scale, when a country is at war or full of rage I also ask myself, what do I need to take responsibility for here? - because I am connected to these people. If the world is an organism and we are all cells, then everything we do impacts one another some way and some how.
If a country is starving, am I being grateful enough for the food I have?
If there is crime in my community, am I bringing safety through my thoughts and actions to my neighborhood?
What would happen if we all took responsibility for our inner worlds? I mean, no matter how much you love the people around you - they cannot craft your inner world or know your inner world the way you do.
You can ask for help, you can help others but one of our greatest responsibilities lies within us.
My inner world right now is asking me to accept imperfection, to practice compassion and to just love what is and to keep an amazing boundary around this.
Sometimes I see these bubbles around people that represent their inner worlds and as I talk to them I see parts of their inner world crossing the lines of this bubble. They say what they say but what I hear is something more like -
"My inner world is more important than yours"
"My inner world is suffering, do something about it"
"My inner world is going to conquer yours"
"My inner world is in charge of everybody"
Other times what I hear is
"My inner world is so beautiful, I have to show you this"
"My inner world is a mystery and I want you to solve it"
"My inner world has discovered something rare and special"
"My inner world knows the truth"
In both of these sets of examples, I feel like the boundary is being crossed or tested.
Personal accountability, personal responsibility and self confidence come from mastering one's own inner world and existing in it, for a lifetime.
For me, my truth, my inner world ... loves it when people living inside suddenly do amazing things outside.
Those things are not about me, but their example reminds me to stay in my inner world and to keep working on it. They show me my light and what's possible while all the while making me feel so calm as though what they are doing has nothing to do with me. It's like watching someone win a race without the need to cheer for them and understanding they didn't need the cheer either.
An author of a good book, a story in a film, or even a person within my community. There are just certain people I look at and admire and feel content just admiring.
Then - there is my tribe.
These individuals and I have agreed to expose parts of our inner worlds to one another on a common quest we all believe in. Even they can never know all of what's inside. But for what ever reason, the mission we are on at this moment has created inner world transparency. Regardless, there is still this beautiful boundary that is not crossed. None of us can take on the work of crafting the other's inner world. And as a tribe we do cheer, we are at the finish line for each other and we might just need that right now.
But I imagine as I grow older and more mature this sense of admiration and quite observation of others crossing finish lines will become more of how even a tribe can function. A tribe of people completely accountable for their inner worlds and thriving from owning that and sharing belonging from that place of complete accountability.
Could you imagine what the world would be like if we designed ourselves and owned our inner worlds completely?
Don't get me wrong - I love reading books and knowledge sharing, especially when my inner world surfaces something I don't know how to describe or change, but it's from rummaging around in there that these challenges become identified and overcome.
Sometimes someone outside will trigger something inside and again this becomes a need to rearrange a few pieces of inner furniture to get some perspective. But it still was never about the person on the outside.
When I say - create an epic inner life, it can start with looking at what's working and at the tiniest scale.
Let's take the cells in your body for example. There is an epic adventure taking place every day between healthy cells, fungus, viruses and disease at the microscopic level of who you are. This is true for everyone.
One way to cultivate an epic inner world is to think about the food you eat and how you position your cells to be their best selves on your behalf. Maybe it can be thought of as a great big ocean of beautiful organisms and predators. In the ocean, if you take out a predator completely then populations of other organisms get out of control and cause just as many problems.
What if the dance between healthy cells, viruses and even cancer cells is a beautiful balance where all are needed and could be loved?
Why cast hate on any of these but rather seek to find ways to keep them in balance?
What if it's all a big dance?
And what if the outer world is also a dance?
What if the dance becomes a war?
Perhaps a tumor grows or perhaps a country becomes over-run by hate or famine. How does one approach these? Are they problems or possibilities? Is there a need to fight or a need to advocate for balance?
As an individual, taking full responsibility for my experiences (without blame, or playing the victim) becomes the first step when trying to change circumstances that I do not like or to face an illness (a reality) that I hope to recover from.
On a global scale, when a country is at war or full of rage I also ask myself, what do I need to take responsibility for here? - because I am connected to these people. If the world is an organism and we are all cells, then everything we do impacts one another some way and some how.
If a country is starving, am I being grateful enough for the food I have?
If there is crime in my community, am I bringing safety through my thoughts and actions to my neighborhood?
What would happen if we all took responsibility for our inner worlds? I mean, no matter how much you love the people around you - they cannot craft your inner world or know your inner world the way you do.
You can ask for help, you can help others but one of our greatest responsibilities lies within us.
My inner world right now is asking me to accept imperfection, to practice compassion and to just love what is and to keep an amazing boundary around this.
Sometimes I see these bubbles around people that represent their inner worlds and as I talk to them I see parts of their inner world crossing the lines of this bubble. They say what they say but what I hear is something more like -
"My inner world is more important than yours"
"My inner world is suffering, do something about it"
"My inner world is going to conquer yours"
"My inner world is in charge of everybody"
Other times what I hear is
"My inner world is so beautiful, I have to show you this"
"My inner world is a mystery and I want you to solve it"
"My inner world has discovered something rare and special"
"My inner world knows the truth"
In both of these sets of examples, I feel like the boundary is being crossed or tested.
Personal accountability, personal responsibility and self confidence come from mastering one's own inner world and existing in it, for a lifetime.
For me, my truth, my inner world ... loves it when people living inside suddenly do amazing things outside.
Those things are not about me, but their example reminds me to stay in my inner world and to keep working on it. They show me my light and what's possible while all the while making me feel so calm as though what they are doing has nothing to do with me. It's like watching someone win a race without the need to cheer for them and understanding they didn't need the cheer either.
An author of a good book, a story in a film, or even a person within my community. There are just certain people I look at and admire and feel content just admiring.
Then - there is my tribe.
These individuals and I have agreed to expose parts of our inner worlds to one another on a common quest we all believe in. Even they can never know all of what's inside. But for what ever reason, the mission we are on at this moment has created inner world transparency. Regardless, there is still this beautiful boundary that is not crossed. None of us can take on the work of crafting the other's inner world. And as a tribe we do cheer, we are at the finish line for each other and we might just need that right now.
But I imagine as I grow older and more mature this sense of admiration and quite observation of others crossing finish lines will become more of how even a tribe can function. A tribe of people completely accountable for their inner worlds and thriving from owning that and sharing belonging from that place of complete accountability.
Could you imagine what the world would be like if we designed ourselves and owned our inner worlds completely?
Friday, May 23, 2014
Day 17 - What if you are nothing and everything?
What if some things are just too important? So important that they persist?
That phrase "what you resist persists" has me ponderous this cloudy morning. I have a lot of work to do today but a feeling I keep having needs a place to park so that I can focus.
I remember, years ago, having this very unique relationship with food and with my home, with music and with writing. It was one of the happiest times of my life and yet I was so isolated. The only people I really saw every day were co-workers.
I remember venturing from that place to meet people. I moved, threw myself out into the world and met a gazillion people. I loved them all, but struggled with that need to please and it was impossible.
Now, I work from home and I have the perfect home to unfold in my own way again and to really nurture myself. As I've re-connected with that chapter and settled more into the life I enjoy I realized I had to become nothing to a lot of people to become everything to only a few.
When I look at who those few are, I see us all in mazes of our own. We're all struggling to make the space for the lives we want. We're all struggling with who we are and what's right for us (including members of my family).
This notion of tribe - it continues to surface in my heart. A tribe that I can trust and love and be connected to, to belong to. Realizing that my tribe doesn't look like any other tribe thats out there. It's not defined by societal standards or sub-communities or ethnicities or sexual preference or religions or geographical location.
It's this very small hand full of people that I miss so much when not around.
Im realizing that some of my wildest adventures and craziest quests, involving tons of people and places (both real world and digital), have sometimes been to simply meet one member of my tribe.
These people are everything to me. We seem to have one another's missing pieces.
This puffing up ... exploding and letting it all go and settling into a sense of self again. I keep thinking this is about reinvention, but it's really not. It's about being who I really am after a long adventure in mysterious lands. After great battles and digging through coal mines I return home ... a little bit stronger, a little bit older and having lost a little bit of myself as well. Then comes the building up for the next adventure, what ever it might be.
This building ... this self loving ... it's like making a painting you know you're going to hang on a wall someplace, to be on display for the general public. You hope it will be well received, you hope it will evoke thoughts and feelings and maybe you hope it will be wildly successful, but Im feeling so strongly right now that it needs to be me next time. Completely me.
And when I find that wall to hang it on, my dream today, is that amongst the crowd - the right set of eyes will see it. I don't need it to be everything to everyone. It can be nothing to many. All you need is the right buyer for a piece of art, one high value buyer, and you've sold for a fortune.
In this metaphor that fortune is the right tribe. The right people. The one's who see me on the wall and the value of what they see without any desire to change it. In fact, they'd hang it anyplace, anytime and love it with all their heart.
I have some painting to do in my spare time. Already the feelings are coming up, generating thoughts, inspiration. What will I put on this canvas Im making? What ever it turns out to be, Im looking forward to being nothing to many and everything to the right people (the one's already there and the one's that will inevitably come).
That phrase "what you resist persists" has me ponderous this cloudy morning. I have a lot of work to do today but a feeling I keep having needs a place to park so that I can focus.
I remember, years ago, having this very unique relationship with food and with my home, with music and with writing. It was one of the happiest times of my life and yet I was so isolated. The only people I really saw every day were co-workers.
I remember venturing from that place to meet people. I moved, threw myself out into the world and met a gazillion people. I loved them all, but struggled with that need to please and it was impossible.
Now, I work from home and I have the perfect home to unfold in my own way again and to really nurture myself. As I've re-connected with that chapter and settled more into the life I enjoy I realized I had to become nothing to a lot of people to become everything to only a few.
When I look at who those few are, I see us all in mazes of our own. We're all struggling to make the space for the lives we want. We're all struggling with who we are and what's right for us (including members of my family).
This notion of tribe - it continues to surface in my heart. A tribe that I can trust and love and be connected to, to belong to. Realizing that my tribe doesn't look like any other tribe thats out there. It's not defined by societal standards or sub-communities or ethnicities or sexual preference or religions or geographical location.
It's this very small hand full of people that I miss so much when not around.
Im realizing that some of my wildest adventures and craziest quests, involving tons of people and places (both real world and digital), have sometimes been to simply meet one member of my tribe.
These people are everything to me. We seem to have one another's missing pieces.
This puffing up ... exploding and letting it all go and settling into a sense of self again. I keep thinking this is about reinvention, but it's really not. It's about being who I really am after a long adventure in mysterious lands. After great battles and digging through coal mines I return home ... a little bit stronger, a little bit older and having lost a little bit of myself as well. Then comes the building up for the next adventure, what ever it might be.
This building ... this self loving ... it's like making a painting you know you're going to hang on a wall someplace, to be on display for the general public. You hope it will be well received, you hope it will evoke thoughts and feelings and maybe you hope it will be wildly successful, but Im feeling so strongly right now that it needs to be me next time. Completely me.
And when I find that wall to hang it on, my dream today, is that amongst the crowd - the right set of eyes will see it. I don't need it to be everything to everyone. It can be nothing to many. All you need is the right buyer for a piece of art, one high value buyer, and you've sold for a fortune.
In this metaphor that fortune is the right tribe. The right people. The one's who see me on the wall and the value of what they see without any desire to change it. In fact, they'd hang it anyplace, anytime and love it with all their heart.
I have some painting to do in my spare time. Already the feelings are coming up, generating thoughts, inspiration. What will I put on this canvas Im making? What ever it turns out to be, Im looking forward to being nothing to many and everything to the right people (the one's already there and the one's that will inevitably come).
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Day 16 - What if reality is not so bad after all?
You know, for all the hype that's out there in the world and all the reasons we have presented in front of us as to why or how and what some other person, place or thing may be so spectacular ... when you take a look around at what you have, right where you are ... it might not be all that bad.
I mean, your reality is a signature - it's one you created.
"Doing what you can, with what you have right where you are" is a quote but I don't remember who said it.
If you think something out there is bigger, better, faster, cheaper and more rewarding ... and you bust your ass to bring that into your reality, but you didn't see the value in what you already had, what's to say that bigger, better, faster, cheaper thing won't loose it's novelty almost immediately because there will always be bigger, better, faster, cheaper things dangled in front of you.
Appreciating what you have and being mindful of doing this takes practice. The marketing engines of the world are fiercely driven and in many cases work to make you think you need something that you actually don't.
This sacred space that is your own, can include your own little lifestyle and your own little choices.
For me, it's a rocking chair my parents gave me and journal.
Or it's playing with food in the kitchen.
It could be special people, regardless of how they look to others or what others think of them.
I read that humans value aesthetics on their way up the pyramid of needs. Valuing beauty and the need to be surrounded by beauty becomes more and more important apparently.
So why, if this is a genuine human need, would you attach a belief about beauty to things that are mostly out of your control? Looking young, expensive lifestyles, what other people have and do not have?
What if it's the smell of books, or a God forbid a newspaper? What if it's a garden or flowers or anything in nature? What if it's simply humanity and all the different ways people go about life and seeing all of that on a casual walk down the street? What if it's simplicity?
Oh, man ... I almost lost myself to that need to keep up with the Jones'. I could have spent a ton of money and this would have made all of my work about money. Everybody I knew validated it too.
It was so scary to let all that go. I just want to be happy in my skin and be surrounded by what feels like home to me and by people who feel like home to me. I want to know how to treat myself kindly and, it sounds so cliche, but lovingly.
This has been a big part of deploy. Settling in and appreciating what I have, working on creating my best self but letting who I am today be enough and nurturing the connections in my life that create that authentic sense of belonging. And most of this journey is not on social media. Simply coming back here and being connected to others on journeys keeps me accountable to making better choices.
What if I never dreamt of fancy houses and cars or personal islands? What if my dream is genuinely be happy with what and who I have? And what if in today's world, that is as ambitious as buying an island?
I mean, your reality is a signature - it's one you created.
"Doing what you can, with what you have right where you are" is a quote but I don't remember who said it.
If you think something out there is bigger, better, faster, cheaper and more rewarding ... and you bust your ass to bring that into your reality, but you didn't see the value in what you already had, what's to say that bigger, better, faster, cheaper thing won't loose it's novelty almost immediately because there will always be bigger, better, faster, cheaper things dangled in front of you.
Appreciating what you have and being mindful of doing this takes practice. The marketing engines of the world are fiercely driven and in many cases work to make you think you need something that you actually don't.
This sacred space that is your own, can include your own little lifestyle and your own little choices.
For me, it's a rocking chair my parents gave me and journal.
Or it's playing with food in the kitchen.
It could be special people, regardless of how they look to others or what others think of them.
I read that humans value aesthetics on their way up the pyramid of needs. Valuing beauty and the need to be surrounded by beauty becomes more and more important apparently.
So why, if this is a genuine human need, would you attach a belief about beauty to things that are mostly out of your control? Looking young, expensive lifestyles, what other people have and do not have?
What if it's the smell of books, or a God forbid a newspaper? What if it's a garden or flowers or anything in nature? What if it's simply humanity and all the different ways people go about life and seeing all of that on a casual walk down the street? What if it's simplicity?
Oh, man ... I almost lost myself to that need to keep up with the Jones'. I could have spent a ton of money and this would have made all of my work about money. Everybody I knew validated it too.
It was so scary to let all that go. I just want to be happy in my skin and be surrounded by what feels like home to me and by people who feel like home to me. I want to know how to treat myself kindly and, it sounds so cliche, but lovingly.
This has been a big part of deploy. Settling in and appreciating what I have, working on creating my best self but letting who I am today be enough and nurturing the connections in my life that create that authentic sense of belonging. And most of this journey is not on social media. Simply coming back here and being connected to others on journeys keeps me accountable to making better choices.
What if I never dreamt of fancy houses and cars or personal islands? What if my dream is genuinely be happy with what and who I have? And what if in today's world, that is as ambitious as buying an island?
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