One of the things I find interesting about accountability is how often the word triggers people instead of empowering them. Have had multiple conversations about it this week and it keeps popping up as a theme.
Here's a theory.
We all have needs and some of them we need to meet ourselves. Throughout our lives we continuously grow and grow to meet more of own needs and become less dependent upon others.
Self sufficiency is something I value and admire in others and it seems to be a constant quest to surface honest needs and seek out ways to meet them. That humble moment when you realize that you can be sufficient in an area that you otherwise thought you could not, can be a great source of personal fulfillment, pride and self love.
When I hear people ask for what they need from others I also see this as an authentic indicator of where they are in their journey. Some needs can be met by others. Teach a man to fish if he is hungry. But feeding a man every day can become dependency.
What if we all worked to eliminate the need for our current contributions so that we could move on to support even greater needs?
What if the rise to self actualization is about establishing frameworks that meet certain needs sustainably and then letting them go, again and again? And what if we all did that?
A hungry man learns to fish; teaches other hungry men; then learns to build houses and teaches again.
What if all of us pursued our passions with that intent and aimed our strengths at meeting our needs first then meeting the needs of others?
Then you have this notion of holding others accountable. I find this fascinating.
When someone says "here is what I need from you" I can't imagine a more honest statement if it is genuine. But when those words fall upon the ears of another, and in particular a person who is not listening to their own needs and expressing them, it can feel like a burden to them, or an obligation or even an expectation.
Just sit back and listen to conversations. I don't know about you but all too often I hear "this is what I need" "yeah, well this is what I need" "well my need is more important" "well I don't know who's going to do this but I need it so there".
I have a lot of compassion for this - it's just where much of humanity is right now, and it's not an easy paradigm to shift.
If I'm starving and I say to the man that knows how to fish, "please catch me a fish - I am hungry," why wouldn't that man meet the immediate need out of compassion? But from that moment on if I am that man who knows how to fish, my responsibility is to teach the hungry man how to meet his own needs. And if he continues to expect me to fish for him, then it is my responsibility to hold him accountable to what I have taught him. In these moments, while painful at times, I should stand back until the hunger drives him to action. That lesson is no longer about fishing. It's now about him realizing that he can fish and meet his own needs and seeing him as capable of doing so. To see him otherwise is reflection of my character.
A man who asks for fish when starving but won't fish himself when taught and who returns to starvation, and even then puts his life on the line to validate the belief that others should take care of him, is the trickiest manipulation of them all. It takes advantage of others and feeds it's own counter productive cycle.
Buried beneath this cycle is a sense of entitlement and this is not the same as self worth. It's not that humanity is lazy but rather that being human is not easy. What if we never ever forgot that?
Now, I'm not talking about people who can't learn a new skill. Some people are here to teach us how to give and to be compassionate.
I'm talking about people who are capable.
When you value yourself you are responsible for meeting your needs and sensing when a man has been taught to fish but won't do it. It is in telling that man - No, that you affirm your self worth. It is in having a boundary and modeling that boundary with this man that you create an environment where others feel safe to pursue their gifts without fear of exploitation. You also affirm the truth, and that is that reality is not always going to be easy. What if anyone who portrays that it is, is lying? And what if portraying reality with it's challenges and it's triumphs - is beautiful?
One of the darkest moments of my life and one I am so very grateful for has been to hold that boundary with a person that I knew could fish for themselves. And one of the other darkest moments of my life has been experiencing that boundary held by another in a time when I did not want to fish for myself but when fishing was exactly what I needed to do.
The shadow, our darker sides, our destructive sides - can be great gifts when we give them bigger purpose and especially when that purpose serves something bigger than ourselves.
This is where truth can hurt. Accountability is only fun if you accept and befriend it.
Taking accountability in each moment, striving to be accountable - first for meeting your needs, then for following through on commitments to others, then for pursuing purpose, then for lifting up humanity .... what if we all accepted this path? And, what if this path is the authentic human condition?
Can you really outsource personal accountability? Can you really put that in the hands of governments or organizations or communities?
I think you can have businesses and services that help people be accountable and I think you can have laws that hold people accountable but what if there is a future state where there is no need for even these?
We teach children to get good grades and to learn but do we teach them how to be accountable for themselves? And I don't mean accountable for the standards that others impose on them. Do we teach them how to discover who they are and what they need and how to chart a course in life to meet these needs? Do we have enough room for unlimited possibilities in terms of these courses and paths towards need fulfillment being expressed?
And what about the shadow of humanity? Can't we unite in understanding that our darker sides can serve such a bigger purpose? What if our darkness holds a boundary when accountability is the lesson to be taught? Instead of using our darkness to destroy one another's paths or to project our insecurities onto each other, or to judge or to hate, why can't our darkness be used to protect our own paths and to hold the boundary of our sacred space?
Someone criticized me today. My shadow demolished their words in my head and heart. Then my light empathized with them.
Someone tried to blame me for their problem today. My shadow firmly held the line as I cut through that blame and observed who they are right now and where they are at. My light forgave them and created a possibility for us to move forward.
The parts of me that would have tried to please people in the past, would have taken on their request to shoulder blame or to absorb criticism. And then, my shadow would have punished me for it, or even worse - would have taken it out on someone else.
I am over being Pollyanna and I am over being endlessly optimistic. Pursuing possibility is no more different than deciding to go right or left. It can be emotional, exciting or simply turning. What I love about Appreciative Inquiry is that possibility begins with the craft of questioning and where you end up is dependent upon the questions that you ask. Why not craft questions that pursue the best interest of everyone?
What if the questions that we ask have enough room for the light and the dark to work together? And what if being accountable for all of who we are and all of our needs is the authentic human experience?
What if it's not just about being positive or just being negative but rather it's about moving forward?
What if the pursuit of happiness is actually the pursuit of being accountable for all of who you are?
And what if who you are, is a lifetime - of bliss and pain and laughter and sorrow and selfishness and liberation and focus and laziness and commitment and forgetfulness and love and hate and creation and destruction and what if your character or even your destiny, is decided by how accountable you hold yourself to owning and learning from each of these?
Lastly, what if that authentic sense of accomplishment is to earn a badge for each and in way that you are personally proud of? Wouldn't that make for a fun app like Foursquare? :)
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Day 22 - What if humble pie is the ultimate superfood?
When one practices the art of seeing people for their gifts and seeking out their gifts, it is inevitable that you will be faced with people who have caused you pain in the past and asking yourself "can you see them for their gifts?"
If you can and you can be happy for them for what are they are achieving .... it's incredibly humbling. In fact, it's transformational.
There is a quote by Bob Marley that a good friend sent to me that goes "... truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
Apparently, I'm an over-achiever at everything, including finding the right people worth suffering for.
It's human to want to connect, to want to belong and to feel hurt when you don't. It's human to pursue our own unique paths and to let people come and go as you do. It's human to want some experiences to last and it's human to suffer when they don't.
But do you avoid this? Can you? What if it's exactly what you need to grow? What if there's nobody to blame and none of it went wrong? What if it's all so deliciously perfect exactly the way it is?
Another close friend and I were having a great conversation about authentic life. She pulled out her phone and showed me this video of an artist by the name of Marina Abramovic. Her exhibit featured her making eye contact with complete strangers. To her surprise, one of those strangers turned out to be what my friend described to me as "the love of her life". Apparently, previously they had parted, decidedly saying goodbye on the Great Wall of China and walking two different directions.
Here is the first time they had seen one another since and to our knowledge, the last.
The video captures so much of what it's like to be human. Many of us have our needs taken care of. We are not starving, we have roofs over our heads and are surrounded by support - and yet, this human condition entangles us in signature ways. We do meet exactly the right people at the right time and for reasons that can take a long time to understand but somehow serve as part of that rise to self actualization.
What I see here are two people who's lives came together for but a chapter that never left them the same. They must had been on many adventures since parting and yet what they had never went away.
Maybe because what they had, changed them both for the better in ways neither could understand until now.
What I see here are two people eating a big ol piece of humble pie, together, and perhaps as yet another way to be the right people at the right time for what they both needed on this day.
Good for them for this moment.
This is not an easy topic to discuss, I see part of my own story here and while I look at myself and say "nothing is missing, you have everything you need" I owe so much of who I am to people I have loved and who have loved me and who's lives, lessons and growth have strangely become entangled with my own and in ways that continue to punch and punch and punch ... but with each one, I get stronger and stronger. Is that what being human is really like? Is this what I signed up for? - Ha!!! oh geez ... I am cracking up!!! But, I humbly say - can a person who's purpose is to help others create possibilities and dream really do that authentically if they have not dared to dream in the face of pain themselves?
One might look at this story and say "what if they had found a way?"
I might have actually asked that question in the past, no - I would have asked that question in the past, but I look at it differently now.
I ask myself "what were they able to achieve because they came into one another's lives?" "How many more people were they able to impact?" "How much were they able to learn about themselves from the time they shared?" "How much did they grow and were they humble enough to be grateful for the growth they sparked in one another?" And look - they're still entangled and helping each other grow even after all these years.
I can't imagine that the gentleman walking in and sitting in the chair felt anything but proud of what she had accomplished in this exhibit. Why would he come if he wasn't loving towards her and her work? And why would he come if he didn't feel compelled from some deeper sense of purpose? They both created this moment and showed up to experience a new possibility.
Some connections between people are so potent, and so strong that their experiences together are not meant to look traditional, conventional or be placed into a box or even labeled. And some people are meant to do big things in this lifetime and sometimes loving someone is getting out of their way and holding love for them from a distance, all the while continuing to experience the great things life has to offer, including loving again.
When you can do that, and really feel it, the humbling nature of it can teach invaluable lessons in forgiveness, compassion and love ... if you are willing to let yourself learn the lesson.
There is no comparison between these two and no words of mine can actually describe what's really going on between them. What they share is obviously theirs. I feel tremendous love for both of them when watching this video and see my light in both of them. It's rare to see humble pie so preciously and authentically on display. These are the moments that mark the character of people and you'll never see them on Facebook or in an article about a person's work but could you imagine if achieving these experiences were as valued and validated by society as things or money or lifestyles of the rich and famous we are bombarded with every day? What a world that would be - to celebrate each other's authentic growth and on a massive scale!
So, you'll see many books about self help and see many adds for super foods you can eat but as my friend Jodene says in her Ted Talk, life's lessons are how you grow. Don't let these other distractions rob you of what's truly your unique opportunity to eat a piece of humble pie.
If you can and you can be happy for them for what are they are achieving .... it's incredibly humbling. In fact, it's transformational.
There is a quote by Bob Marley that a good friend sent to me that goes "... truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
Apparently, I'm an over-achiever at everything, including finding the right people worth suffering for.
It's human to want to connect, to want to belong and to feel hurt when you don't. It's human to pursue our own unique paths and to let people come and go as you do. It's human to want some experiences to last and it's human to suffer when they don't.
But do you avoid this? Can you? What if it's exactly what you need to grow? What if there's nobody to blame and none of it went wrong? What if it's all so deliciously perfect exactly the way it is?
Another close friend and I were having a great conversation about authentic life. She pulled out her phone and showed me this video of an artist by the name of Marina Abramovic. Her exhibit featured her making eye contact with complete strangers. To her surprise, one of those strangers turned out to be what my friend described to me as "the love of her life". Apparently, previously they had parted, decidedly saying goodbye on the Great Wall of China and walking two different directions.
Here is the first time they had seen one another since and to our knowledge, the last.
The video captures so much of what it's like to be human. Many of us have our needs taken care of. We are not starving, we have roofs over our heads and are surrounded by support - and yet, this human condition entangles us in signature ways. We do meet exactly the right people at the right time and for reasons that can take a long time to understand but somehow serve as part of that rise to self actualization.
What I see here are two people who's lives came together for but a chapter that never left them the same. They must had been on many adventures since parting and yet what they had never went away.
Maybe because what they had, changed them both for the better in ways neither could understand until now.
What I see here are two people eating a big ol piece of humble pie, together, and perhaps as yet another way to be the right people at the right time for what they both needed on this day.
Good for them for this moment.
This is not an easy topic to discuss, I see part of my own story here and while I look at myself and say "nothing is missing, you have everything you need" I owe so much of who I am to people I have loved and who have loved me and who's lives, lessons and growth have strangely become entangled with my own and in ways that continue to punch and punch and punch ... but with each one, I get stronger and stronger. Is that what being human is really like? Is this what I signed up for? - Ha!!! oh geez ... I am cracking up!!! But, I humbly say - can a person who's purpose is to help others create possibilities and dream really do that authentically if they have not dared to dream in the face of pain themselves?
One might look at this story and say "what if they had found a way?"
I might have actually asked that question in the past, no - I would have asked that question in the past, but I look at it differently now.
I ask myself "what were they able to achieve because they came into one another's lives?" "How many more people were they able to impact?" "How much were they able to learn about themselves from the time they shared?" "How much did they grow and were they humble enough to be grateful for the growth they sparked in one another?" And look - they're still entangled and helping each other grow even after all these years.
I can't imagine that the gentleman walking in and sitting in the chair felt anything but proud of what she had accomplished in this exhibit. Why would he come if he wasn't loving towards her and her work? And why would he come if he didn't feel compelled from some deeper sense of purpose? They both created this moment and showed up to experience a new possibility.
Some connections between people are so potent, and so strong that their experiences together are not meant to look traditional, conventional or be placed into a box or even labeled. And some people are meant to do big things in this lifetime and sometimes loving someone is getting out of their way and holding love for them from a distance, all the while continuing to experience the great things life has to offer, including loving again.
When you can do that, and really feel it, the humbling nature of it can teach invaluable lessons in forgiveness, compassion and love ... if you are willing to let yourself learn the lesson.
There is no comparison between these two and no words of mine can actually describe what's really going on between them. What they share is obviously theirs. I feel tremendous love for both of them when watching this video and see my light in both of them. It's rare to see humble pie so preciously and authentically on display. These are the moments that mark the character of people and you'll never see them on Facebook or in an article about a person's work but could you imagine if achieving these experiences were as valued and validated by society as things or money or lifestyles of the rich and famous we are bombarded with every day? What a world that would be - to celebrate each other's authentic growth and on a massive scale!
So, you'll see many books about self help and see many adds for super foods you can eat but as my friend Jodene says in her Ted Talk, life's lessons are how you grow. Don't let these other distractions rob you of what's truly your unique opportunity to eat a piece of humble pie.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Day 21 - What is your real story?
Well, now Im feeling good taking care of myself - saying no when things don't align and yes when they do.
The calmness and confidence are back. I can feel myself genuinely being present for others and empathetic towards them.
It's not that each day goes without challenges or the occasional fear, but it's becoming more like - oh, ok, this is happening now - let's deal with it.
I think a part of me just didn't trust that I was taking care of priorities and it felt like I was spinning.
My real story here is that certain aspects of who I am stand as guardians and protectors. Some of what others may perceive to be less than idea qualities actually flair up so that I can return to that sense of self. The need to change, the gut instinct that something is not right, the sense of self feeling out of balance and the overwhelming nature of certain obstacles just stacking up. What would a skunk do in this situation?
I'm being honest with myself about certain people that came into my life last year.
What if so much of what happened was just protecting me? In hind sight - I think this is the real story after all. When things are so busy that you can't settle into your own intuition and your own inner dialogue, sometimes parts of who you are have to take the reins to ensure you are safe.
What if a health issue is a way you are keeping you safe, or, a mask, or even behaviors that can send people running? What if it's all a way to protect you? And especially if the people you are responsible for supporting are people that nobody ever see's or knows or really can? 20,000 employees and their ideas. Sheesh!
Deep breaths, efforts to focus, small wins, being my own source for validation and seeing people for their strengths have all returned and seem to be consistent.
Humor and kindness bubble up throughout the day and the pressure of puffing up is gone.
I can see these guardians of mine relinquishing the wheel to me yet again. I'm trusting myself to make awesome decisions and practicing them with purpose.
There are big goals, and big deliverables and accountabilities in my reality - right now - but with oars in the water - stroke after stroke - Im moving.
This sense of 'self love' as a priority and seeing it as the source through which I give to anyone has been an incredible shift. I mean, the audacity that one takes care of one's self first. How dare I?
Ive asked almost everyone Ive come in contact with if they can look at themselves in the mirror and say that they love themselves and mean it. To my shock, the answer has been 100% - No.
I don't see this as a problem. I see this as a possibility.
Teaching Project Me, applying Appreciative Inquiry and building up who you are, for yourself, and in a way that does not puff up, in a way that keeps you humble, in a way that declares your sacred space - is very valuable! Then - put YOU in play and give back.
Im having to be careful about who I make eye contact with right now. People are drawn to me again. It's happening everywhere I go. These words are true, and saying them is sacred.
There's seeing yourself in someone's eyes and feeling your own sense of self worth and then there's seeing something that someone else has in their eyes and wanting it.
This boundary is so clear.
So yes, Im still your average guy, human just like everyone else and I'm still an adaptive narcissist, able to look myself in the eye and love what I see, but I am also an altruist at heart and know in my heart that Im here for something bigger and it will benefit many people! And, I have tricky little guardians that keep me safe from the wrong people and I'm quite grateful for them. But I want to trust myself to do this job.
Great things ahead in all that I do and for all who are fortunate enough to cross my path.... if you are the right people.
The calmness and confidence are back. I can feel myself genuinely being present for others and empathetic towards them.
It's not that each day goes without challenges or the occasional fear, but it's becoming more like - oh, ok, this is happening now - let's deal with it.
I think a part of me just didn't trust that I was taking care of priorities and it felt like I was spinning.
My real story here is that certain aspects of who I am stand as guardians and protectors. Some of what others may perceive to be less than idea qualities actually flair up so that I can return to that sense of self. The need to change, the gut instinct that something is not right, the sense of self feeling out of balance and the overwhelming nature of certain obstacles just stacking up. What would a skunk do in this situation?
I'm being honest with myself about certain people that came into my life last year.
What if so much of what happened was just protecting me? In hind sight - I think this is the real story after all. When things are so busy that you can't settle into your own intuition and your own inner dialogue, sometimes parts of who you are have to take the reins to ensure you are safe.
What if a health issue is a way you are keeping you safe, or, a mask, or even behaviors that can send people running? What if it's all a way to protect you? And especially if the people you are responsible for supporting are people that nobody ever see's or knows or really can? 20,000 employees and their ideas. Sheesh!
Deep breaths, efforts to focus, small wins, being my own source for validation and seeing people for their strengths have all returned and seem to be consistent.
Humor and kindness bubble up throughout the day and the pressure of puffing up is gone.
I can see these guardians of mine relinquishing the wheel to me yet again. I'm trusting myself to make awesome decisions and practicing them with purpose.
There are big goals, and big deliverables and accountabilities in my reality - right now - but with oars in the water - stroke after stroke - Im moving.
This sense of 'self love' as a priority and seeing it as the source through which I give to anyone has been an incredible shift. I mean, the audacity that one takes care of one's self first. How dare I?
Ive asked almost everyone Ive come in contact with if they can look at themselves in the mirror and say that they love themselves and mean it. To my shock, the answer has been 100% - No.
I don't see this as a problem. I see this as a possibility.
Teaching Project Me, applying Appreciative Inquiry and building up who you are, for yourself, and in a way that does not puff up, in a way that keeps you humble, in a way that declares your sacred space - is very valuable! Then - put YOU in play and give back.
Im having to be careful about who I make eye contact with right now. People are drawn to me again. It's happening everywhere I go. These words are true, and saying them is sacred.
There's seeing yourself in someone's eyes and feeling your own sense of self worth and then there's seeing something that someone else has in their eyes and wanting it.
This boundary is so clear.
So yes, Im still your average guy, human just like everyone else and I'm still an adaptive narcissist, able to look myself in the eye and love what I see, but I am also an altruist at heart and know in my heart that Im here for something bigger and it will benefit many people! And, I have tricky little guardians that keep me safe from the wrong people and I'm quite grateful for them. But I want to trust myself to do this job.
Great things ahead in all that I do and for all who are fortunate enough to cross my path.... if you are the right people.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Day 19 - Coming out as a healthy narcissist and proud :)
Yesterday, was one of those unique days when you get that feeling like no matter what, everything is going to be just fine.
I stood at the San Diego convention center looking out over the ocean, tall buildings around me, trees growing up through holes in the concrete and hedges of jasmine flowers. It felt like something from a science fiction film with the blend of architecture and nature and the view. The clouds were especially appropriate and so perfect for the thoughts and feelings I was having.
Clarity - purpose - confidence - self love - surrendering.
I wrote a resignation letter to the Universe and I read it aloud staring out over the San Diego bay.
"I'm done being in charge, Im yours, and Im ready." - were the primary themes.
As I walked alone I could feel myself connecting with the sets of unique abilities I have.... touching each inside, warming them up like little engines that could. The gaze on my face was determination, but subtle and caring. Im not just a machine ... I have an enormously endowed heart. Actually, I am an enormously endowed human.
This morning I walked by the mirror and paused to look myself in the eyes. Got in very close and started to have a conversation with me. A personal one.
I looked at myself in the eyes, the way Ive looked at lovers and was taken back - it took my breath away. It was intriguing I wondered if I'm becoming a complete and total narcissist.
During this conversation with myself I wasn't admiring anything physical about myself, it was looking into my own eyes with complete honesty and finding myself loving who I saw in there. I asked myself, "are you ready for what's to come?"and then looking right back at me the words came out "you're building, you're taking care of you - right now - that is your assignment and you don't have to do anything else you don't want to right now - keep it up".
This did not feel like the words of a narcissist. But, I was still curious enough to look up a little about healthy narcissism and read this blog.
It's obvious to me now that Facebook had become an expression of the psycodynamic mask model of narcissism and it flared up during times of high stress and rapid change as a way to see metrics I could control (generating like counts & comments), validation and a steady source of pleasure in support of, well - just coping with life. Yup - I was one of those kids who's parents did not believe in giving every kid a trophy for everything they did. Add to that, being gay, coming out, abandoning religious programing and flying solo into the world to make something of myself .... yeah, I get it. Throw in some heartbreak, new responsibilities at work and a little over-isolation, over working and a few health challenges ... yeah - I get it.
Im so grateful that I could feel something was just wrong and that it was coming out through Facebook. I'm so grateful that my healthy narcissism took a turn towards the mask model and made me feel inauthentic. Im so grateful that the right people came into my life and acted as catalysts to discover this.
In the end, Im so proud of myself. I listened to my internal feelings. I listened to my gut. I changed the things I did not like about my circumstances.
Project Me - Deploy Phase - it's out on the table, this is all about me and I could care less about who reads it, favorites it or re-tweets it. Will say this again, if these words add value to your life - good. Im glad. But I'm doing this for me. Get your own Project Me! You're worth it!!
This is as consistently authentic as I've been on social media, I think ever in my life. What I post matches exactly how I am feeling and it's not always happy. Some of these questions, while appreciative, are rooted in real challenge and real work and there is some real growth taking place.
Im just glad that I'm looking at myself lovingly and taking myself out into the world to have conversations in epic settings about my purpose. This is so - authentic me. I felt like a comic book character having a conversation with the Universe at the convention center. OMG - I love me so much!
Im so grateful to be giving myself the time and space to build and pursue what feels right to me right now!
Of course I am spending time with people and going places and doing things but that's none of your business. That's not what I'm on social media for right now. And my life, is not up for validation. Neither are my choices. Nor is my purpose.
So there ya have it. I am coming out as a healthy narcissist and proud of it :)
I stood at the San Diego convention center looking out over the ocean, tall buildings around me, trees growing up through holes in the concrete and hedges of jasmine flowers. It felt like something from a science fiction film with the blend of architecture and nature and the view. The clouds were especially appropriate and so perfect for the thoughts and feelings I was having.
Clarity - purpose - confidence - self love - surrendering.
I wrote a resignation letter to the Universe and I read it aloud staring out over the San Diego bay.
"I'm done being in charge, Im yours, and Im ready." - were the primary themes.
As I walked alone I could feel myself connecting with the sets of unique abilities I have.... touching each inside, warming them up like little engines that could. The gaze on my face was determination, but subtle and caring. Im not just a machine ... I have an enormously endowed heart. Actually, I am an enormously endowed human.
This morning I walked by the mirror and paused to look myself in the eyes. Got in very close and started to have a conversation with me. A personal one.
I looked at myself in the eyes, the way Ive looked at lovers and was taken back - it took my breath away. It was intriguing I wondered if I'm becoming a complete and total narcissist.
During this conversation with myself I wasn't admiring anything physical about myself, it was looking into my own eyes with complete honesty and finding myself loving who I saw in there. I asked myself, "are you ready for what's to come?"and then looking right back at me the words came out "you're building, you're taking care of you - right now - that is your assignment and you don't have to do anything else you don't want to right now - keep it up".
This did not feel like the words of a narcissist. But, I was still curious enough to look up a little about healthy narcissism and read this blog.
It's obvious to me now that Facebook had become an expression of the psycodynamic mask model of narcissism and it flared up during times of high stress and rapid change as a way to see metrics I could control (generating like counts & comments), validation and a steady source of pleasure in support of, well - just coping with life. Yup - I was one of those kids who's parents did not believe in giving every kid a trophy for everything they did. Add to that, being gay, coming out, abandoning religious programing and flying solo into the world to make something of myself .... yeah, I get it. Throw in some heartbreak, new responsibilities at work and a little over-isolation, over working and a few health challenges ... yeah - I get it.
Im so grateful that I could feel something was just wrong and that it was coming out through Facebook. I'm so grateful that my healthy narcissism took a turn towards the mask model and made me feel inauthentic. Im so grateful that the right people came into my life and acted as catalysts to discover this.
In the end, Im so proud of myself. I listened to my internal feelings. I listened to my gut. I changed the things I did not like about my circumstances.
Project Me - Deploy Phase - it's out on the table, this is all about me and I could care less about who reads it, favorites it or re-tweets it. Will say this again, if these words add value to your life - good. Im glad. But I'm doing this for me. Get your own Project Me! You're worth it!!
This is as consistently authentic as I've been on social media, I think ever in my life. What I post matches exactly how I am feeling and it's not always happy. Some of these questions, while appreciative, are rooted in real challenge and real work and there is some real growth taking place.
Im just glad that I'm looking at myself lovingly and taking myself out into the world to have conversations in epic settings about my purpose. This is so - authentic me. I felt like a comic book character having a conversation with the Universe at the convention center. OMG - I love me so much!
Im so grateful to be giving myself the time and space to build and pursue what feels right to me right now!
Of course I am spending time with people and going places and doing things but that's none of your business. That's not what I'm on social media for right now. And my life, is not up for validation. Neither are my choices. Nor is my purpose.
So there ya have it. I am coming out as a healthy narcissist and proud of it :)
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Day 18 - What if you can craft an epic inner world?
It's been said that the outer world is a reflection of your inner world. If this is true, why seek answers from anyplace else?
Don't get me wrong - I love reading books and knowledge sharing, especially when my inner world surfaces something I don't know how to describe or change, but it's from rummaging around in there that these challenges become identified and overcome.
Sometimes someone outside will trigger something inside and again this becomes a need to rearrange a few pieces of inner furniture to get some perspective. But it still was never about the person on the outside.
When I say - create an epic inner life, it can start with looking at what's working and at the tiniest scale.
Let's take the cells in your body for example. There is an epic adventure taking place every day between healthy cells, fungus, viruses and disease at the microscopic level of who you are. This is true for everyone.
One way to cultivate an epic inner world is to think about the food you eat and how you position your cells to be their best selves on your behalf. Maybe it can be thought of as a great big ocean of beautiful organisms and predators. In the ocean, if you take out a predator completely then populations of other organisms get out of control and cause just as many problems.
What if the dance between healthy cells, viruses and even cancer cells is a beautiful balance where all are needed and could be loved?
Why cast hate on any of these but rather seek to find ways to keep them in balance?
What if it's all a big dance?
And what if the outer world is also a dance?
What if the dance becomes a war?
Perhaps a tumor grows or perhaps a country becomes over-run by hate or famine. How does one approach these? Are they problems or possibilities? Is there a need to fight or a need to advocate for balance?
As an individual, taking full responsibility for my experiences (without blame, or playing the victim) becomes the first step when trying to change circumstances that I do not like or to face an illness (a reality) that I hope to recover from.
On a global scale, when a country is at war or full of rage I also ask myself, what do I need to take responsibility for here? - because I am connected to these people. If the world is an organism and we are all cells, then everything we do impacts one another some way and some how.
If a country is starving, am I being grateful enough for the food I have?
If there is crime in my community, am I bringing safety through my thoughts and actions to my neighborhood?
What would happen if we all took responsibility for our inner worlds? I mean, no matter how much you love the people around you - they cannot craft your inner world or know your inner world the way you do.
You can ask for help, you can help others but one of our greatest responsibilities lies within us.
My inner world right now is asking me to accept imperfection, to practice compassion and to just love what is and to keep an amazing boundary around this.
Sometimes I see these bubbles around people that represent their inner worlds and as I talk to them I see parts of their inner world crossing the lines of this bubble. They say what they say but what I hear is something more like -
"My inner world is more important than yours"
"My inner world is suffering, do something about it"
"My inner world is going to conquer yours"
"My inner world is in charge of everybody"
Other times what I hear is
"My inner world is so beautiful, I have to show you this"
"My inner world is a mystery and I want you to solve it"
"My inner world has discovered something rare and special"
"My inner world knows the truth"
In both of these sets of examples, I feel like the boundary is being crossed or tested.
Personal accountability, personal responsibility and self confidence come from mastering one's own inner world and existing in it, for a lifetime.
For me, my truth, my inner world ... loves it when people living inside suddenly do amazing things outside.
Those things are not about me, but their example reminds me to stay in my inner world and to keep working on it. They show me my light and what's possible while all the while making me feel so calm as though what they are doing has nothing to do with me. It's like watching someone win a race without the need to cheer for them and understanding they didn't need the cheer either.
An author of a good book, a story in a film, or even a person within my community. There are just certain people I look at and admire and feel content just admiring.
Then - there is my tribe.
These individuals and I have agreed to expose parts of our inner worlds to one another on a common quest we all believe in. Even they can never know all of what's inside. But for what ever reason, the mission we are on at this moment has created inner world transparency. Regardless, there is still this beautiful boundary that is not crossed. None of us can take on the work of crafting the other's inner world. And as a tribe we do cheer, we are at the finish line for each other and we might just need that right now.
But I imagine as I grow older and more mature this sense of admiration and quite observation of others crossing finish lines will become more of how even a tribe can function. A tribe of people completely accountable for their inner worlds and thriving from owning that and sharing belonging from that place of complete accountability.
Could you imagine what the world would be like if we designed ourselves and owned our inner worlds completely?
Don't get me wrong - I love reading books and knowledge sharing, especially when my inner world surfaces something I don't know how to describe or change, but it's from rummaging around in there that these challenges become identified and overcome.
Sometimes someone outside will trigger something inside and again this becomes a need to rearrange a few pieces of inner furniture to get some perspective. But it still was never about the person on the outside.
When I say - create an epic inner life, it can start with looking at what's working and at the tiniest scale.
Let's take the cells in your body for example. There is an epic adventure taking place every day between healthy cells, fungus, viruses and disease at the microscopic level of who you are. This is true for everyone.
One way to cultivate an epic inner world is to think about the food you eat and how you position your cells to be their best selves on your behalf. Maybe it can be thought of as a great big ocean of beautiful organisms and predators. In the ocean, if you take out a predator completely then populations of other organisms get out of control and cause just as many problems.
What if the dance between healthy cells, viruses and even cancer cells is a beautiful balance where all are needed and could be loved?
Why cast hate on any of these but rather seek to find ways to keep them in balance?
What if it's all a big dance?
And what if the outer world is also a dance?
What if the dance becomes a war?
Perhaps a tumor grows or perhaps a country becomes over-run by hate or famine. How does one approach these? Are they problems or possibilities? Is there a need to fight or a need to advocate for balance?
As an individual, taking full responsibility for my experiences (without blame, or playing the victim) becomes the first step when trying to change circumstances that I do not like or to face an illness (a reality) that I hope to recover from.
On a global scale, when a country is at war or full of rage I also ask myself, what do I need to take responsibility for here? - because I am connected to these people. If the world is an organism and we are all cells, then everything we do impacts one another some way and some how.
If a country is starving, am I being grateful enough for the food I have?
If there is crime in my community, am I bringing safety through my thoughts and actions to my neighborhood?
What would happen if we all took responsibility for our inner worlds? I mean, no matter how much you love the people around you - they cannot craft your inner world or know your inner world the way you do.
You can ask for help, you can help others but one of our greatest responsibilities lies within us.
My inner world right now is asking me to accept imperfection, to practice compassion and to just love what is and to keep an amazing boundary around this.
Sometimes I see these bubbles around people that represent their inner worlds and as I talk to them I see parts of their inner world crossing the lines of this bubble. They say what they say but what I hear is something more like -
"My inner world is more important than yours"
"My inner world is suffering, do something about it"
"My inner world is going to conquer yours"
"My inner world is in charge of everybody"
Other times what I hear is
"My inner world is so beautiful, I have to show you this"
"My inner world is a mystery and I want you to solve it"
"My inner world has discovered something rare and special"
"My inner world knows the truth"
In both of these sets of examples, I feel like the boundary is being crossed or tested.
Personal accountability, personal responsibility and self confidence come from mastering one's own inner world and existing in it, for a lifetime.
For me, my truth, my inner world ... loves it when people living inside suddenly do amazing things outside.
Those things are not about me, but their example reminds me to stay in my inner world and to keep working on it. They show me my light and what's possible while all the while making me feel so calm as though what they are doing has nothing to do with me. It's like watching someone win a race without the need to cheer for them and understanding they didn't need the cheer either.
An author of a good book, a story in a film, or even a person within my community. There are just certain people I look at and admire and feel content just admiring.
Then - there is my tribe.
These individuals and I have agreed to expose parts of our inner worlds to one another on a common quest we all believe in. Even they can never know all of what's inside. But for what ever reason, the mission we are on at this moment has created inner world transparency. Regardless, there is still this beautiful boundary that is not crossed. None of us can take on the work of crafting the other's inner world. And as a tribe we do cheer, we are at the finish line for each other and we might just need that right now.
But I imagine as I grow older and more mature this sense of admiration and quite observation of others crossing finish lines will become more of how even a tribe can function. A tribe of people completely accountable for their inner worlds and thriving from owning that and sharing belonging from that place of complete accountability.
Could you imagine what the world would be like if we designed ourselves and owned our inner worlds completely?
Friday, May 23, 2014
Day 17 - What if you are nothing and everything?
What if some things are just too important? So important that they persist?
That phrase "what you resist persists" has me ponderous this cloudy morning. I have a lot of work to do today but a feeling I keep having needs a place to park so that I can focus.
I remember, years ago, having this very unique relationship with food and with my home, with music and with writing. It was one of the happiest times of my life and yet I was so isolated. The only people I really saw every day were co-workers.
I remember venturing from that place to meet people. I moved, threw myself out into the world and met a gazillion people. I loved them all, but struggled with that need to please and it was impossible.
Now, I work from home and I have the perfect home to unfold in my own way again and to really nurture myself. As I've re-connected with that chapter and settled more into the life I enjoy I realized I had to become nothing to a lot of people to become everything to only a few.
When I look at who those few are, I see us all in mazes of our own. We're all struggling to make the space for the lives we want. We're all struggling with who we are and what's right for us (including members of my family).
This notion of tribe - it continues to surface in my heart. A tribe that I can trust and love and be connected to, to belong to. Realizing that my tribe doesn't look like any other tribe thats out there. It's not defined by societal standards or sub-communities or ethnicities or sexual preference or religions or geographical location.
It's this very small hand full of people that I miss so much when not around.
Im realizing that some of my wildest adventures and craziest quests, involving tons of people and places (both real world and digital), have sometimes been to simply meet one member of my tribe.
These people are everything to me. We seem to have one another's missing pieces.
This puffing up ... exploding and letting it all go and settling into a sense of self again. I keep thinking this is about reinvention, but it's really not. It's about being who I really am after a long adventure in mysterious lands. After great battles and digging through coal mines I return home ... a little bit stronger, a little bit older and having lost a little bit of myself as well. Then comes the building up for the next adventure, what ever it might be.
This building ... this self loving ... it's like making a painting you know you're going to hang on a wall someplace, to be on display for the general public. You hope it will be well received, you hope it will evoke thoughts and feelings and maybe you hope it will be wildly successful, but Im feeling so strongly right now that it needs to be me next time. Completely me.
And when I find that wall to hang it on, my dream today, is that amongst the crowd - the right set of eyes will see it. I don't need it to be everything to everyone. It can be nothing to many. All you need is the right buyer for a piece of art, one high value buyer, and you've sold for a fortune.
In this metaphor that fortune is the right tribe. The right people. The one's who see me on the wall and the value of what they see without any desire to change it. In fact, they'd hang it anyplace, anytime and love it with all their heart.
I have some painting to do in my spare time. Already the feelings are coming up, generating thoughts, inspiration. What will I put on this canvas Im making? What ever it turns out to be, Im looking forward to being nothing to many and everything to the right people (the one's already there and the one's that will inevitably come).
That phrase "what you resist persists" has me ponderous this cloudy morning. I have a lot of work to do today but a feeling I keep having needs a place to park so that I can focus.
I remember, years ago, having this very unique relationship with food and with my home, with music and with writing. It was one of the happiest times of my life and yet I was so isolated. The only people I really saw every day were co-workers.
I remember venturing from that place to meet people. I moved, threw myself out into the world and met a gazillion people. I loved them all, but struggled with that need to please and it was impossible.
Now, I work from home and I have the perfect home to unfold in my own way again and to really nurture myself. As I've re-connected with that chapter and settled more into the life I enjoy I realized I had to become nothing to a lot of people to become everything to only a few.
When I look at who those few are, I see us all in mazes of our own. We're all struggling to make the space for the lives we want. We're all struggling with who we are and what's right for us (including members of my family).
This notion of tribe - it continues to surface in my heart. A tribe that I can trust and love and be connected to, to belong to. Realizing that my tribe doesn't look like any other tribe thats out there. It's not defined by societal standards or sub-communities or ethnicities or sexual preference or religions or geographical location.
It's this very small hand full of people that I miss so much when not around.
Im realizing that some of my wildest adventures and craziest quests, involving tons of people and places (both real world and digital), have sometimes been to simply meet one member of my tribe.
These people are everything to me. We seem to have one another's missing pieces.
This puffing up ... exploding and letting it all go and settling into a sense of self again. I keep thinking this is about reinvention, but it's really not. It's about being who I really am after a long adventure in mysterious lands. After great battles and digging through coal mines I return home ... a little bit stronger, a little bit older and having lost a little bit of myself as well. Then comes the building up for the next adventure, what ever it might be.
This building ... this self loving ... it's like making a painting you know you're going to hang on a wall someplace, to be on display for the general public. You hope it will be well received, you hope it will evoke thoughts and feelings and maybe you hope it will be wildly successful, but Im feeling so strongly right now that it needs to be me next time. Completely me.
And when I find that wall to hang it on, my dream today, is that amongst the crowd - the right set of eyes will see it. I don't need it to be everything to everyone. It can be nothing to many. All you need is the right buyer for a piece of art, one high value buyer, and you've sold for a fortune.
In this metaphor that fortune is the right tribe. The right people. The one's who see me on the wall and the value of what they see without any desire to change it. In fact, they'd hang it anyplace, anytime and love it with all their heart.
I have some painting to do in my spare time. Already the feelings are coming up, generating thoughts, inspiration. What will I put on this canvas Im making? What ever it turns out to be, Im looking forward to being nothing to many and everything to the right people (the one's already there and the one's that will inevitably come).
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Day 16 - What if reality is not so bad after all?
You know, for all the hype that's out there in the world and all the reasons we have presented in front of us as to why or how and what some other person, place or thing may be so spectacular ... when you take a look around at what you have, right where you are ... it might not be all that bad.
I mean, your reality is a signature - it's one you created.
"Doing what you can, with what you have right where you are" is a quote but I don't remember who said it.
If you think something out there is bigger, better, faster, cheaper and more rewarding ... and you bust your ass to bring that into your reality, but you didn't see the value in what you already had, what's to say that bigger, better, faster, cheaper thing won't loose it's novelty almost immediately because there will always be bigger, better, faster, cheaper things dangled in front of you.
Appreciating what you have and being mindful of doing this takes practice. The marketing engines of the world are fiercely driven and in many cases work to make you think you need something that you actually don't.
This sacred space that is your own, can include your own little lifestyle and your own little choices.
For me, it's a rocking chair my parents gave me and journal.
Or it's playing with food in the kitchen.
It could be special people, regardless of how they look to others or what others think of them.
I read that humans value aesthetics on their way up the pyramid of needs. Valuing beauty and the need to be surrounded by beauty becomes more and more important apparently.
So why, if this is a genuine human need, would you attach a belief about beauty to things that are mostly out of your control? Looking young, expensive lifestyles, what other people have and do not have?
What if it's the smell of books, or a God forbid a newspaper? What if it's a garden or flowers or anything in nature? What if it's simply humanity and all the different ways people go about life and seeing all of that on a casual walk down the street? What if it's simplicity?
Oh, man ... I almost lost myself to that need to keep up with the Jones'. I could have spent a ton of money and this would have made all of my work about money. Everybody I knew validated it too.
It was so scary to let all that go. I just want to be happy in my skin and be surrounded by what feels like home to me and by people who feel like home to me. I want to know how to treat myself kindly and, it sounds so cliche, but lovingly.
This has been a big part of deploy. Settling in and appreciating what I have, working on creating my best self but letting who I am today be enough and nurturing the connections in my life that create that authentic sense of belonging. And most of this journey is not on social media. Simply coming back here and being connected to others on journeys keeps me accountable to making better choices.
What if I never dreamt of fancy houses and cars or personal islands? What if my dream is genuinely be happy with what and who I have? And what if in today's world, that is as ambitious as buying an island?
I mean, your reality is a signature - it's one you created.
"Doing what you can, with what you have right where you are" is a quote but I don't remember who said it.
If you think something out there is bigger, better, faster, cheaper and more rewarding ... and you bust your ass to bring that into your reality, but you didn't see the value in what you already had, what's to say that bigger, better, faster, cheaper thing won't loose it's novelty almost immediately because there will always be bigger, better, faster, cheaper things dangled in front of you.
Appreciating what you have and being mindful of doing this takes practice. The marketing engines of the world are fiercely driven and in many cases work to make you think you need something that you actually don't.
This sacred space that is your own, can include your own little lifestyle and your own little choices.
For me, it's a rocking chair my parents gave me and journal.
Or it's playing with food in the kitchen.
It could be special people, regardless of how they look to others or what others think of them.
I read that humans value aesthetics on their way up the pyramid of needs. Valuing beauty and the need to be surrounded by beauty becomes more and more important apparently.
So why, if this is a genuine human need, would you attach a belief about beauty to things that are mostly out of your control? Looking young, expensive lifestyles, what other people have and do not have?
What if it's the smell of books, or a God forbid a newspaper? What if it's a garden or flowers or anything in nature? What if it's simply humanity and all the different ways people go about life and seeing all of that on a casual walk down the street? What if it's simplicity?
Oh, man ... I almost lost myself to that need to keep up with the Jones'. I could have spent a ton of money and this would have made all of my work about money. Everybody I knew validated it too.
It was so scary to let all that go. I just want to be happy in my skin and be surrounded by what feels like home to me and by people who feel like home to me. I want to know how to treat myself kindly and, it sounds so cliche, but lovingly.
This has been a big part of deploy. Settling in and appreciating what I have, working on creating my best self but letting who I am today be enough and nurturing the connections in my life that create that authentic sense of belonging. And most of this journey is not on social media. Simply coming back here and being connected to others on journeys keeps me accountable to making better choices.
What if I never dreamt of fancy houses and cars or personal islands? What if my dream is genuinely be happy with what and who I have? And what if in today's world, that is as ambitious as buying an island?
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Day 15 PT2 - What if your fans see their light in you and your haters think you are better than they are?
During my run ... these thoughts came up. Looks like a second blog is coming out today.
What if your fans see their light in you and your haters think you are better than they are?
Either way - you are in a great place really. Keeping this in mind is so helpful.
For fans, why not shine? ... show them who they are while you live your best life!
For haters, have compassion. It's a terrible place to think anyone is better than you are and it's simply a belief, a thought, a well practiced thought perhaps or one that someone or society instilled within you.
When I say compassion I mean really, practice it with all your heart. Haters are suffering and carrying plenty on their own.
I know this, have felt hate before. It's awful.
It's strange to me now to see so many strategies I guess for any to deploy to create the perception that they are better than others. Inauthentic expressions of happiness. Declarations of hollow success. Or, perhaps some really are just fakin it til they make it? Maybe there is value in that?
Pursuing a dream, deploying a dream is never about making yourself feel better than other people. It's bigger than you and so aligned with what you are meant to do that surrendering to it is rewarding. In fact, it calls to you. Curiosity takes over.
You know how to tell if someone is shinning. It's in your gut. When you look at them, just looking at them makes you feel better about yourself.
You can tell when someone is on a pedestal and suffering, because they need to feel better about themselves, because they believe they need you to make them feel better about themselves. There's something off.
It's not about labeling them or outing them. You can even give them a chance, you can even love them.
We all forget who we are from time to time.
And, let's not forget that sometimes life drifts .. becomes a form of waiting and learning and hunting down the trail of a new dream. Those times can really suck! I hope I do a better job trusting those waiting periods and just accepting them. I've never been very good at waiting. :)
One thing Ive learned is that my path is my path, my moments are my moments and my achievements are my achievements. Use caution when people try to cross the streams and plug into your path. You know, they have their own.
Setting boundaries is not hating. It's self love. Don't worry if someone says "no - not right now" or "you are not right for me" or "Im going a different direction".
There's infatuation and then there's attachment and then there's collaboration.
Infatuation means someone does not want to walk their own path. They want to feed off of yours. Or - it can mean they are in transition or waiting and you have become a shinny distraction and it's totally innocent.
Attachment means you're parallel and you should enjoy it as long as you can. Healthy attachment has amazing boundaries, respect and there's plenty of room for everyone's light to shine.
Collaboration is reciprocity at it's best. It can happen in the moment and it can span time. When it's done well, everyone benefits, nobody takes all the credit and everyone levels up together. A collaborator always finds collaboration and the world is full of it. Collaborators don't see people as better or worse they see them for what they have to offer and offer opportunities for them to plug and play.
Haters and takers. A human life would not be human without trying these jackets on and knowing they are not for you. Give them space to wear these jackets but never discount their worth. We're all in motion and get to learn as we go and we all are needed. You never know what someone is struggling with. The opportunity to forgive someone who took from you, betrayed you or hated you is badge of honor.
Hate is a hole in the ground that you dare not put your hand in because the person down there wants to pull you in with them.
No matter how beautiful they are down in that hole, never get in with them.
And a word of caution - An overly critical mind is two steps away from hate.
I feel like self actualization is a place where one creates and overflows and gives to others. We all have a signature gift to give and the best diamonds are found from digging through coal mines. This is why I don't see the world as a place full of problems. I see it as a place full of possibility. Even someone stuck in a hole of hate might come out and change the world.
There is grace in the act of setting boundaries from a place of self love.
Someone who's setting a boundary out of self love will tell you they are not overflowing right now and that you deserve the kind of love and care that comes from someone who is. They will tell you what they plan to do to take better care of themselves so they can add to your life. They will ask for your support. They are not afraid to be vulnerable and their actions speak louder than their words.
Someone who uses you or needs you to feel better about themselves will make you feel like you are a problem, a bother, like it's your fault or like you are not enough. They may even try to shame you.
Ugh - Don't shame yourself. If you can help it - don't shame yourself. It was never about you.
This has been my biggest lesson over the last 2 years. If you've ever felt ashamed of who you are and have had to work on self worth, and especially if you are a giver ... a taker or a hater can send you on a downward spiral right back to that place you fought your way out of.
Shame is a completely different hole in the ground. It too needs a lot of compassion. It's not better or worse than any other hole. Shame does not destroy the people around, it destroys self ... but it's still a hole.
Regardless - we are not meant to be in holes for too long. None of us! Get your diamond and climb out. :)
And when you're out - route for everyone. Most importantly - keep routing for yourself, and when you are in a great place, start to give again.
And when your haters start to hate, remember they think you are better than they are. Let them remind you that you are not better than anybody.
And when your fans start to smile, remember you are showing them who they are.
What if your fans see their light in you and your haters think you are better than they are?
Either way - you are in a great place really. Keeping this in mind is so helpful.
For fans, why not shine? ... show them who they are while you live your best life!
For haters, have compassion. It's a terrible place to think anyone is better than you are and it's simply a belief, a thought, a well practiced thought perhaps or one that someone or society instilled within you.
When I say compassion I mean really, practice it with all your heart. Haters are suffering and carrying plenty on their own.
I know this, have felt hate before. It's awful.
It's strange to me now to see so many strategies I guess for any to deploy to create the perception that they are better than others. Inauthentic expressions of happiness. Declarations of hollow success. Or, perhaps some really are just fakin it til they make it? Maybe there is value in that?
Pursuing a dream, deploying a dream is never about making yourself feel better than other people. It's bigger than you and so aligned with what you are meant to do that surrendering to it is rewarding. In fact, it calls to you. Curiosity takes over.
You know how to tell if someone is shinning. It's in your gut. When you look at them, just looking at them makes you feel better about yourself.
You can tell when someone is on a pedestal and suffering, because they need to feel better about themselves, because they believe they need you to make them feel better about themselves. There's something off.
It's not about labeling them or outing them. You can even give them a chance, you can even love them.
We all forget who we are from time to time.
And, let's not forget that sometimes life drifts .. becomes a form of waiting and learning and hunting down the trail of a new dream. Those times can really suck! I hope I do a better job trusting those waiting periods and just accepting them. I've never been very good at waiting. :)
One thing Ive learned is that my path is my path, my moments are my moments and my achievements are my achievements. Use caution when people try to cross the streams and plug into your path. You know, they have their own.
Setting boundaries is not hating. It's self love. Don't worry if someone says "no - not right now" or "you are not right for me" or "Im going a different direction".
There's infatuation and then there's attachment and then there's collaboration.
Infatuation means someone does not want to walk their own path. They want to feed off of yours. Or - it can mean they are in transition or waiting and you have become a shinny distraction and it's totally innocent.
Attachment means you're parallel and you should enjoy it as long as you can. Healthy attachment has amazing boundaries, respect and there's plenty of room for everyone's light to shine.
Collaboration is reciprocity at it's best. It can happen in the moment and it can span time. When it's done well, everyone benefits, nobody takes all the credit and everyone levels up together. A collaborator always finds collaboration and the world is full of it. Collaborators don't see people as better or worse they see them for what they have to offer and offer opportunities for them to plug and play.
Haters and takers. A human life would not be human without trying these jackets on and knowing they are not for you. Give them space to wear these jackets but never discount their worth. We're all in motion and get to learn as we go and we all are needed. You never know what someone is struggling with. The opportunity to forgive someone who took from you, betrayed you or hated you is badge of honor.
Hate is a hole in the ground that you dare not put your hand in because the person down there wants to pull you in with them.
No matter how beautiful they are down in that hole, never get in with them.
And a word of caution - An overly critical mind is two steps away from hate.
I feel like self actualization is a place where one creates and overflows and gives to others. We all have a signature gift to give and the best diamonds are found from digging through coal mines. This is why I don't see the world as a place full of problems. I see it as a place full of possibility. Even someone stuck in a hole of hate might come out and change the world.
There is grace in the act of setting boundaries from a place of self love.
Someone who's setting a boundary out of self love will tell you they are not overflowing right now and that you deserve the kind of love and care that comes from someone who is. They will tell you what they plan to do to take better care of themselves so they can add to your life. They will ask for your support. They are not afraid to be vulnerable and their actions speak louder than their words.
Someone who uses you or needs you to feel better about themselves will make you feel like you are a problem, a bother, like it's your fault or like you are not enough. They may even try to shame you.
Ugh - Don't shame yourself. If you can help it - don't shame yourself. It was never about you.
This has been my biggest lesson over the last 2 years. If you've ever felt ashamed of who you are and have had to work on self worth, and especially if you are a giver ... a taker or a hater can send you on a downward spiral right back to that place you fought your way out of.
Shame is a completely different hole in the ground. It too needs a lot of compassion. It's not better or worse than any other hole. Shame does not destroy the people around, it destroys self ... but it's still a hole.
Regardless - we are not meant to be in holes for too long. None of us! Get your diamond and climb out. :)
And when you're out - route for everyone. Most importantly - keep routing for yourself, and when you are in a great place, start to give again.
And when your haters start to hate, remember they think you are better than they are. Let them remind you that you are not better than anybody.
And when your fans start to smile, remember you are showing them who they are.
Day 15 - What if you feel what you think and can flip that around?
Very very productive day.
Sometimes I have to take a step back and acknowledge that I have trained thousands of people in the last few months, completely reinvented my approach to innovation, launched a small business and picked myself up and out of stress and into productivity again.
It's never as bad as you think, well actually it is as bad as you think. And that's the point! What you think becomes feelings.
When I see intensity and people on fire coming towards me now I try to think "how can I be the eye of their storm?" or "how can I listen without buying into their intensity?"
If I were to count the number of people I actually interacted with today alone it boggles my mind. The key here is to remember that while heavily electronic, these interactions are people and I am a person.
Being mindful of that and purposeful with how one engages electronically and the way you think while doing so, completely changes the experience.
It has to be authentic, it has to be what you really mean and how you really feel.
So if you're not feeling like you can add value to an exchange - stop, step back, put some space up.
Im finding that the people I interact with who are constantly on fire, are creating 80% of the fire themselves. If that fire is chronic, and that person is always stressed, it's an indicator that they are in need of some change. And - I don't have to fix it, don't have to feed it, be hooked by it or in most circumstances even acknowledge it.
Learn your strengths, apply them, practice them, focus on them and enjoy them. Find people who are strong in areas you are not and form a tribe.
Work as a team and with shared purpose.
This is the most beautiful and engaging experience outside of family and community and even then there are days when achieving something as a tribe - oh man, it feels so damned good!
But all of this starts with how you show up and the thoughts you bring into the picture.
It is not easy to recognize that you are not your thoughts.
It is not easy to call yourself out on a thought that's triggering an emotion and spiraling your whole day out of control.
But with practice ... it gets easier. It gets better.
Grasping at positive thoughts when you don't feel positive doesn't always help. Sometimes how you are feeling takes some space and some attention. Feelings that come before the thoughts are a totally different ball game.
What I find very interesting about being purpose driven is that now feelings sometimes come first and then Im asking myself how I can use my brain as a tool to pursue and understand what I am feeling.
Learning to trust those feelings shifts something to more of the core of my body and connects me from my chest (I don't know how to explain this).
All I can say is that I have been aware of times when Im acting from a tightness at the back of my neck or where Im acting from what feels to be an entirely cerebral place.
But even as I do web design or coding right now there seems to be something coming up from my chest through my head and out my hands. It's not perfect - it doesn't happen all day, every day - but it's happening more and more.
When something creative comes up that way or even an exchange between people I feel .... hmm - a little more alive?!?! I guess that's the way to put it. Looking forward to connecting with audiences this way. I feel a lot of awesome experiences coming.
Will say one thing. Even though Im spending a lot of time on Twitter, it's generally with a hand full of people I enjoy and genuinely enjoy interacting with. It's less people on social media that turned out to be more meaningful for me.
I never look at my twitter timeline and don't care to. It's like I feel a desire to interact with particular people and I just go with it. All the rest felt too much like work. I thought about it like work. And I thought about it a lot.
Im a hot air balloon in the sky with basket that fits a tribe. This tribe is so well diversified now. Some are not even on social media, some are local and some are in other countries but we connect almost daily and we are on very similar quests.
That tribe can ebb and flow but keeping a core tribe small and close is enough for me <3
I trust, as an altruist at heart that what we do impacts millions of people for the better. And I don't need to measure that in all areas, I don't need to see it, I don't need to know it - I just trust it - I feel it.
Sometimes I have to take a step back and acknowledge that I have trained thousands of people in the last few months, completely reinvented my approach to innovation, launched a small business and picked myself up and out of stress and into productivity again.
It's never as bad as you think, well actually it is as bad as you think. And that's the point! What you think becomes feelings.
When I see intensity and people on fire coming towards me now I try to think "how can I be the eye of their storm?" or "how can I listen without buying into their intensity?"
If I were to count the number of people I actually interacted with today alone it boggles my mind. The key here is to remember that while heavily electronic, these interactions are people and I am a person.
Being mindful of that and purposeful with how one engages electronically and the way you think while doing so, completely changes the experience.
It has to be authentic, it has to be what you really mean and how you really feel.
So if you're not feeling like you can add value to an exchange - stop, step back, put some space up.
Im finding that the people I interact with who are constantly on fire, are creating 80% of the fire themselves. If that fire is chronic, and that person is always stressed, it's an indicator that they are in need of some change. And - I don't have to fix it, don't have to feed it, be hooked by it or in most circumstances even acknowledge it.
Learn your strengths, apply them, practice them, focus on them and enjoy them. Find people who are strong in areas you are not and form a tribe.
Work as a team and with shared purpose.
This is the most beautiful and engaging experience outside of family and community and even then there are days when achieving something as a tribe - oh man, it feels so damned good!
But all of this starts with how you show up and the thoughts you bring into the picture.
It is not easy to recognize that you are not your thoughts.
It is not easy to call yourself out on a thought that's triggering an emotion and spiraling your whole day out of control.
But with practice ... it gets easier. It gets better.
Grasping at positive thoughts when you don't feel positive doesn't always help. Sometimes how you are feeling takes some space and some attention. Feelings that come before the thoughts are a totally different ball game.
What I find very interesting about being purpose driven is that now feelings sometimes come first and then Im asking myself how I can use my brain as a tool to pursue and understand what I am feeling.
Learning to trust those feelings shifts something to more of the core of my body and connects me from my chest (I don't know how to explain this).
All I can say is that I have been aware of times when Im acting from a tightness at the back of my neck or where Im acting from what feels to be an entirely cerebral place.
But even as I do web design or coding right now there seems to be something coming up from my chest through my head and out my hands. It's not perfect - it doesn't happen all day, every day - but it's happening more and more.
When something creative comes up that way or even an exchange between people I feel .... hmm - a little more alive?!?! I guess that's the way to put it. Looking forward to connecting with audiences this way. I feel a lot of awesome experiences coming.
Will say one thing. Even though Im spending a lot of time on Twitter, it's generally with a hand full of people I enjoy and genuinely enjoy interacting with. It's less people on social media that turned out to be more meaningful for me.
I never look at my twitter timeline and don't care to. It's like I feel a desire to interact with particular people and I just go with it. All the rest felt too much like work. I thought about it like work. And I thought about it a lot.
Im a hot air balloon in the sky with basket that fits a tribe. This tribe is so well diversified now. Some are not even on social media, some are local and some are in other countries but we connect almost daily and we are on very similar quests.
That tribe can ebb and flow but keeping a core tribe small and close is enough for me <3
I trust, as an altruist at heart that what we do impacts millions of people for the better. And I don't need to measure that in all areas, I don't need to see it, I don't need to know it - I just trust it - I feel it.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Day 14 - What if I'm a hot air balloon?
I had a delightful conversation with a client this week where we discussed visualizing our purposes.
One of the things I do is hold a client's best self and purpose in mind for them all week and especially when speaking to them. It's my way of ensuring what they are saying is aligned. This visualization of who they are is something they create in my mind while they speak. It is something I consider to be sacred, they adjust it as they grow but generally the concept remains very similar.
One of my clients was laughing so hard at the visualization I had for them and I promised not to share it but she offered up one for me in return. As it turns out this person has known me for close to 14 years. She has seen my roller-coaster life and career first hand and knows me very well.
She described me as a hot air balloon. I busted up laughing, asking - "what? are you saying Im full of hot air?"
She said - yes - yes you are, but it's so perfect!
You look out over the horizon and offer vision. Sometimes you need to puff up to get a little higher and sometimes you need to deflate to lower the altitude but what you offer is such a peaceful and tranquil picture in the sky as you float through the changing winds.
I found this so timely considering my practice of the affirmation "Don't puff up, Don't Shrink, Stand your Sacred Ground".
I then imagined my life as one long journey in a hot air balloon and how beautiful that is. It also speaks to why I can't always fit a ton of people in my basket all the time. There isn't room. What I have to offer is so much more impactful when I have that focus and perspective.
It reminds me of the Wizard of Oz. So human behind this curtain.
Today I'm embracing this visual and as I add value to the lives around me I'm realizing that the best way for me to multiply impact is to focus on people who also create value for others, to empower people in ways that empower communities, businesses and organizations.
I was labeled a visionary leader this week as well and I had to take a step back and sit with that one. When I fold that into sacred space it does align with the hot air balloon. It's nothing I need to puff up about.
It's true, I belong in the sky. To far from the ground and I miss out on some of the detail that I love. Too close to the ground and my strengths become useless. It's about the right altitude and trying various altitudes over varying terranes. Right now, with my day job this air balloon is scaling a mountain that won't peak for another 6 months. In other areas of my life it's slow and steady incremental gains, some of which are in anticipation for what's on the other side of this mountain.
Either way -
People will always come and the perspective I have to offer will always add value, and money will never be a problem or even a driving factor.
We all have our place, belong, and are needed. It's our job to find out where and how and to give. And to adapt to the changing winds that are inevitable.
How fortunate to be a hot air balloon.
One of the things I do is hold a client's best self and purpose in mind for them all week and especially when speaking to them. It's my way of ensuring what they are saying is aligned. This visualization of who they are is something they create in my mind while they speak. It is something I consider to be sacred, they adjust it as they grow but generally the concept remains very similar.
One of my clients was laughing so hard at the visualization I had for them and I promised not to share it but she offered up one for me in return. As it turns out this person has known me for close to 14 years. She has seen my roller-coaster life and career first hand and knows me very well.
She described me as a hot air balloon. I busted up laughing, asking - "what? are you saying Im full of hot air?"
She said - yes - yes you are, but it's so perfect!
You look out over the horizon and offer vision. Sometimes you need to puff up to get a little higher and sometimes you need to deflate to lower the altitude but what you offer is such a peaceful and tranquil picture in the sky as you float through the changing winds.
I found this so timely considering my practice of the affirmation "Don't puff up, Don't Shrink, Stand your Sacred Ground".
I then imagined my life as one long journey in a hot air balloon and how beautiful that is. It also speaks to why I can't always fit a ton of people in my basket all the time. There isn't room. What I have to offer is so much more impactful when I have that focus and perspective.
It reminds me of the Wizard of Oz. So human behind this curtain.
Today I'm embracing this visual and as I add value to the lives around me I'm realizing that the best way for me to multiply impact is to focus on people who also create value for others, to empower people in ways that empower communities, businesses and organizations.
I was labeled a visionary leader this week as well and I had to take a step back and sit with that one. When I fold that into sacred space it does align with the hot air balloon. It's nothing I need to puff up about.
It's true, I belong in the sky. To far from the ground and I miss out on some of the detail that I love. Too close to the ground and my strengths become useless. It's about the right altitude and trying various altitudes over varying terranes. Right now, with my day job this air balloon is scaling a mountain that won't peak for another 6 months. In other areas of my life it's slow and steady incremental gains, some of which are in anticipation for what's on the other side of this mountain.
Either way -
People will always come and the perspective I have to offer will always add value, and money will never be a problem or even a driving factor.
We all have our place, belong, and are needed. It's our job to find out where and how and to give. And to adapt to the changing winds that are inevitable.
How fortunate to be a hot air balloon.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Day 13 - What if I'm feeling love and too much is not enough?
Today's post is personal.
I have a story to tell. I fell in love with a perfectly flawed man. He was completely honest and forthcoming about his flaws from the very beginning and I fell head over heals for him.
Then, when I exposed my flaws - he rejected me.
It hurt - knocked me down - and left me questioning everything about myself.
But what I learned was that what I was extending to him, this love regardless of flaws, was something I had not entirely given to myself. That really meant that the love I was giving was not true.
But there is such a silver lining in it.
The work around Appreciative Inquiry has been as much about innovation as it has been about reinvention. And what I've discovered is a genuine need to accept and honor the things about me that are flawed and human.
This quirky person I am is a unique combination lock for a distinct set of keys out there in the world. These keys are the right people and what this guy did was actually a gift. He showed me, he was not a right key (at least based on who was at the time).
Now, the interactions I have with others FIT. If they don't fit, they don't belong on my journey ... and you know, that's totally ok!
The more I realize I don't have to please anybody, I don't have to do anything I don't want to, all I need to do is be me and strive be the best me. Not because Im being told to do that but because it's what actually makes me happy.
When a seed sprouts it violently ruptures it's shell. Zooming in really close to see what happens exposes a beautifully disturbing and tumultuous process. Don't believe me? Check this out!
I mean, just ouch! Imagine if there were nerve endings involved in all of that! Sometimes this is what it means to be human. You rupture your current paradigm and flounder to embed new roots and reach for sunlight and until that nourishment starts to come you are nothing but a straining ruptured shell and the letting go of a world within a bean.
I've become deeply empathetic towards the disruptive journey businesses and entrepreneurs are on as they go through transformations or launches. It is quite the process!!!
So now I've shifted to that place of Me first and then give to others. Parts of me remember what this was like from prior chapters where I had the luxury of being all about me (once in my late teens and another in my mid-20's). But to be honest - Ive been working since the age of 14 and supporting myself since the age of 18. My ability to cope with challenge and to stand tall in the face of uncertainty has been a work in progress. But the result here has been an incredible degree of resiliency and a knack for reinvention. Each time I go through something like it there is this drifting that happens and it drives me nuts. Im laughing so hard at myself right now. I wish I could send a love letter to myself to open back in March of last year.
It would have read - "You just go promoted and it's going to be a lot of work. I want you to know how much I love you and need you to take care of yourself. There's going to be a man and he's going to change your life and I want you to let it happen. There's going to be moments that will hurt very badly but I want you to picture this seed rupturing it's shell. You're on your way kiddo and something you can't even imagine right now is about to happen. Enjoy the ride! You're life is not going to look or feel the same ever again."
So what Im realizing now is that growing is a constant state of rupturing these seed walls and sprouting again and again. Ugh and yippie!
One thing, in hindsight, is how important self love really is. It's like watering that seed. Rupturing a dry encasing vs. one that is watered is a very different experience.
Im not worried about what I have to offer the world or the future I can feel myself growing and I know it will be awesome in it's own way.
Im not worried about what I will get for it, it's not about that! Im not worried about who will see it or how many people will see it. Im not even worried about success or failure. What keeps me up at night right now is whether or not I loved myself enough each day and whether or not I was kind enough to myself as I faced what ever challenge came my way whole heartedly. I wonder if I am laughing enough and enjoying enough and allowing others to make me laugh or to add enjoyment to my journey.
It's not a question about whether or not I will make others laugh or add enjoyment to their journey. Doing this has never been hard for me. That's the cake walk.
So right now ... Im feeling love and too much is not enough! All the other stuff just keeps happening, keeps moving forward and keeps delivering. What a strange chapter.
Im reminded of another lyric from one of my favorite songs - Hyperballad by Bjork.
"I go through all this, before you wake up. So I can feel happier, to be safe up here with you."
Looking back has now shifted to a moment of feeling safe up here. I get it. I so get it! For now anyway ... until the next time I need to rupture and grow.
I have a story to tell. I fell in love with a perfectly flawed man. He was completely honest and forthcoming about his flaws from the very beginning and I fell head over heals for him.
Then, when I exposed my flaws - he rejected me.
It hurt - knocked me down - and left me questioning everything about myself.
But what I learned was that what I was extending to him, this love regardless of flaws, was something I had not entirely given to myself. That really meant that the love I was giving was not true.
But there is such a silver lining in it.
The work around Appreciative Inquiry has been as much about innovation as it has been about reinvention. And what I've discovered is a genuine need to accept and honor the things about me that are flawed and human.
This quirky person I am is a unique combination lock for a distinct set of keys out there in the world. These keys are the right people and what this guy did was actually a gift. He showed me, he was not a right key (at least based on who was at the time).
Now, the interactions I have with others FIT. If they don't fit, they don't belong on my journey ... and you know, that's totally ok!
The more I realize I don't have to please anybody, I don't have to do anything I don't want to, all I need to do is be me and strive be the best me. Not because Im being told to do that but because it's what actually makes me happy.
When a seed sprouts it violently ruptures it's shell. Zooming in really close to see what happens exposes a beautifully disturbing and tumultuous process. Don't believe me? Check this out!
I mean, just ouch! Imagine if there were nerve endings involved in all of that! Sometimes this is what it means to be human. You rupture your current paradigm and flounder to embed new roots and reach for sunlight and until that nourishment starts to come you are nothing but a straining ruptured shell and the letting go of a world within a bean.
I've become deeply empathetic towards the disruptive journey businesses and entrepreneurs are on as they go through transformations or launches. It is quite the process!!!
So now I've shifted to that place of Me first and then give to others. Parts of me remember what this was like from prior chapters where I had the luxury of being all about me (once in my late teens and another in my mid-20's). But to be honest - Ive been working since the age of 14 and supporting myself since the age of 18. My ability to cope with challenge and to stand tall in the face of uncertainty has been a work in progress. But the result here has been an incredible degree of resiliency and a knack for reinvention. Each time I go through something like it there is this drifting that happens and it drives me nuts. Im laughing so hard at myself right now. I wish I could send a love letter to myself to open back in March of last year.
It would have read - "You just go promoted and it's going to be a lot of work. I want you to know how much I love you and need you to take care of yourself. There's going to be a man and he's going to change your life and I want you to let it happen. There's going to be moments that will hurt very badly but I want you to picture this seed rupturing it's shell. You're on your way kiddo and something you can't even imagine right now is about to happen. Enjoy the ride! You're life is not going to look or feel the same ever again."
So what Im realizing now is that growing is a constant state of rupturing these seed walls and sprouting again and again. Ugh and yippie!
One thing, in hindsight, is how important self love really is. It's like watering that seed. Rupturing a dry encasing vs. one that is watered is a very different experience.
Im not worried about what I have to offer the world or the future I can feel myself growing and I know it will be awesome in it's own way.
Im not worried about what I will get for it, it's not about that! Im not worried about who will see it or how many people will see it. Im not even worried about success or failure. What keeps me up at night right now is whether or not I loved myself enough each day and whether or not I was kind enough to myself as I faced what ever challenge came my way whole heartedly. I wonder if I am laughing enough and enjoying enough and allowing others to make me laugh or to add enjoyment to my journey.
It's not a question about whether or not I will make others laugh or add enjoyment to their journey. Doing this has never been hard for me. That's the cake walk.
So right now ... Im feeling love and too much is not enough! All the other stuff just keeps happening, keeps moving forward and keeps delivering. What a strange chapter.
Im reminded of another lyric from one of my favorite songs - Hyperballad by Bjork.
"I go through all this, before you wake up. So I can feel happier, to be safe up here with you."
Looking back has now shifted to a moment of feeling safe up here. I get it. I so get it! For now anyway ... until the next time I need to rupture and grow.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Day 12 - What if everything is a form of settling?
Have to acknowledge the fun Ive had this weekend and the people Ive spent time with. It was wonderful to let my hair down, eat delicious food, escape from my city, treat myself to a few luxuries, make new friends, go out dancing and singing and enjoy time with my inner circle.
Today was very relaxing. I ventured out not knowing what I would see or where I would end up. At one point I walked by a movie theatre and noticed a film playing called 'Heaven Is Real'.
Didn't know a thing about it and hadn't seen the trailer. I purchased a ticket and settled into an air conditioned theatre all by myself to take in the picture.
What a timely movie to watch. Won't give away any of the story but I will share that the depiction of family, faith and the challenge of learning from unplanned and painful circumstances resonated with me whole heartedly. I found myself laughing and crying in a dark theatre, all alone and so content to be doing so.
The notion of believing in heaven, or a life after death, is one I am very familiar with from my upbringing. The way this concept was depicted in this particular film was so innocent and pure and left me feeling acknowledged and un-alone in the areas of my life that are riddled with ambiguity and constant questioning.
There's something about connecting to a bigger picture and feeling connected to that picture that washes away so much of the stress and worry associated with meaningless and trivial pursuits and worries about the people who come and go from my life year after year.
This small child in the film (and this is known from the trailer which I have since watched) visited heaven while on the operating table. When he pulled through he began to tell his Father what he saw in heaven. What he shared challenged the faith of his parents and ultimately an entire community, and because it was so simple and genuine what he experienced.
Sometimes the simplicity of what we really need and the ways to go about meeting those needs is incredibly disruptive when considering all of the work and pressures we place on ourselves to simply gain a measure of control, comfort or sense of security.
The tiniest things make me laugh so hard right now. The tiniest things make me smile. I remember being in this space a few years ago and I know exactly what happened to take me out of it.
This film, and the events of today in general, grounded me a bit on the heals of quite the adventurous and stimulating ventures of the day prior.
There is a balance of venture and adventure and quiet and purpose and adding value to the lives of others that one cares about. Even though I am in deploy and a big part of that is about executing a plan, Im finding that if there is one thing to keep in mind while in this space it is to be open to what ever comes while holding tightly to a dream.
Small moments.
A new person, a new conversation, a familiar space or familiar practice - each of these are their own firsts - every time. It's kinda about letting it all be fresh and new ... and did I mention laughing? That exchange between two people, when you're just there with that person, is so tingly. I love hearing where people are at. Practicing not judging. If it feels right - I gather pieces of information that help me understand their purpose. If it feels right - I just enjoy them. If it feels right - I practice compassion. If it feels right - I practice letting them go. All people give me the opportunity to practice something.
And when its really special, you see yourself in the eyes of another person. You relate on a level that makes you feel like you are not alone. And when it's even more special, you see how you can help that person with what ever it is they are trying to do - and if it's aligned with who you are - you help.
With each of these moments they are a form of settling. Settling into the moment and realizing that the next will be even more and the next even more. Every day is settling and accepting and being pragmatically optimistic that tomorrow will, again, be more than you thought possible.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Day 11 - What if it's a marathon?
Was asked this morning how my work was going and found myself answering the question by saying "Im running a marathon but on target". The minute the words escaped my lips I felt so connected to them. They were honest.
When you're running a marathon you really don't stop and say - "Im doing great, life is wonderful, I feel amazing and I look amazing."
A marathon is a deliberate challenge in which there are moments of accomplishment, pushing, pain, stamina and exhaustion. In fact, have you seen what people look like during a marathon? They are red faced, sweaty and sometimes puffy making face expressions that look like strain and strife.
One thing to note though about marathons - there are moments of connection to ones self, hyper awareness of surroundings and a zone that one can find ones self in all of the sudden that feels so alive!
You know, I singed up for a major marathon (metaphorically) by taking on a promotion last year. And then right after that started this habit of stopping to pose and smile and each water tent, oh and tried to pick a running partner to run by side who was in a marathon of his own. Sometimes perspective is such a beautiful thing.
Im looking back now and I get it.
This is my marathon. I created this path and committed to it. And I'm going to see it through.
When I was exposed to problem analysis as part of the work I was doing, it felt like I had started this marathon with the wrong pair of shoes as an innovation worker. My new job exposed me to thousands of problems. And Six Sigma was the model being leveraged solve them.
I am so grateful for Appreciative Inquiry. Now wearing the right shoes, focused on my marathon, running this track on my own, and executing my deploy. Im not worried about anything other than the finish line. When it's done. I'll take another step back and think about what is next for me.
Today - Im at a water tent (metaphorically). I left town today, Im with good friends and Im writing this blog from a delightful hotel cafe. Off to enjoy a festival with food and music and most importantly, people I care about and who care very very much about me.
When you are on a marathon there are these people who cheer you on from the sidelines. I love those people. That is very kind of them. But, what I am finding is that there are a hand full of people that will jump in and run along side me for small stretches, or they will be waiting to hug me at the water tent. They are not part of my marathon but they love enough to know how to be there for me.
Anyone else right now, is distraction and weight.
The thing I find unique about these individuals being so supportive of me is that they are going to feel so good about me crossing the finish line. They will have been part of it. And Im so grateful that Im not having to do this alone after all.
When you're running a marathon you really don't stop and say - "Im doing great, life is wonderful, I feel amazing and I look amazing."
A marathon is a deliberate challenge in which there are moments of accomplishment, pushing, pain, stamina and exhaustion. In fact, have you seen what people look like during a marathon? They are red faced, sweaty and sometimes puffy making face expressions that look like strain and strife.
One thing to note though about marathons - there are moments of connection to ones self, hyper awareness of surroundings and a zone that one can find ones self in all of the sudden that feels so alive!
You know, I singed up for a major marathon (metaphorically) by taking on a promotion last year. And then right after that started this habit of stopping to pose and smile and each water tent, oh and tried to pick a running partner to run by side who was in a marathon of his own. Sometimes perspective is such a beautiful thing.
Im looking back now and I get it.
This is my marathon. I created this path and committed to it. And I'm going to see it through.
When I was exposed to problem analysis as part of the work I was doing, it felt like I had started this marathon with the wrong pair of shoes as an innovation worker. My new job exposed me to thousands of problems. And Six Sigma was the model being leveraged solve them.
I am so grateful for Appreciative Inquiry. Now wearing the right shoes, focused on my marathon, running this track on my own, and executing my deploy. Im not worried about anything other than the finish line. When it's done. I'll take another step back and think about what is next for me.
Today - Im at a water tent (metaphorically). I left town today, Im with good friends and Im writing this blog from a delightful hotel cafe. Off to enjoy a festival with food and music and most importantly, people I care about and who care very very much about me.
When you are on a marathon there are these people who cheer you on from the sidelines. I love those people. That is very kind of them. But, what I am finding is that there are a hand full of people that will jump in and run along side me for small stretches, or they will be waiting to hug me at the water tent. They are not part of my marathon but they love enough to know how to be there for me.
Anyone else right now, is distraction and weight.
The thing I find unique about these individuals being so supportive of me is that they are going to feel so good about me crossing the finish line. They will have been part of it. And Im so grateful that Im not having to do this alone after all.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Day 9 - What if giving time to people who've earned it is self respect?
Wow - Day 9 and I'm flying through priorities with ease and grace.
This "Nice Guy" is still nice, but I've moved into - "Earn my Nice" mode.
There is no doubt in my mind that I would do anything for the people I love and care for - anything!
In fact, the extent to which I have gone for people I loved is borderline, over-giving!
This stops right here, right now!!!
Dividing my time and energy each day and seeing it as an investment in my higher values and higher purpose has become a game that I love to play. It's like "whack a mole."
You come at me with a demand - Whack!
You come at me with an opportunity - ok, I'll consider it but still - you're on my 48 hour pend list.
You come at me with a way to add value to me and my dreams - front of the line - and you will get so much more in return for what you are offering.
This energy is a precious gift and the value it represents is not only beyond worth but it is your disadvantage to not find a way to leverage it.
Good luck to any who want what I have to offer.
Believe me when I say - I want to give you everything I've got and that's exactly why I've made this change as part of my design.
This "Nice Guy" is still nice, but I've moved into - "Earn my Nice" mode.
There is no doubt in my mind that I would do anything for the people I love and care for - anything!
In fact, the extent to which I have gone for people I loved is borderline, over-giving!
This stops right here, right now!!!
Dividing my time and energy each day and seeing it as an investment in my higher values and higher purpose has become a game that I love to play. It's like "whack a mole."
You come at me with a demand - Whack!
You come at me with an opportunity - ok, I'll consider it but still - you're on my 48 hour pend list.
You come at me with a way to add value to me and my dreams - front of the line - and you will get so much more in return for what you are offering.
This energy is a precious gift and the value it represents is not only beyond worth but it is your disadvantage to not find a way to leverage it.
Good luck to any who want what I have to offer.
Believe me when I say - I want to give you everything I've got and that's exactly why I've made this change as part of my design.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Day 8 - What if diversifying measures of self worth is like diversifying an investment portfolio?
When I think about goals, accomplishments, contributions and their connection to self worth I am left wondering what kind of investment strategy might work best?
If creating yourself and putting yourself out there on social media is one way to express what one is proud of accomplishing then why put all of your eggs in one basket? Perhaps that does make sense if you want to go the route of high risk, high reward but to be a bit more pragmatic might be a better strategy and changing that strategy over time and based on changing circumstances could actually be a very smart thing to do.
A friend and I this week were talking over coffee about how much people generally "puff up" on social media. He shared stories of people who's lives were falling apart behind the scenes but on Facebook you'd think they were the happiest and most accomplished people in the world.
This fascinated me considering some of the examples included divorce, loss of loved ones and career changes. With all that life has to offer in terms of ups and downs it seems strange that the identities we create for ourselves wouldn't accurately reflect this. Again, Im feeling a little better about having puffed up during challenging times being not so alone about it.
Today I had the opportunity to present to hundreds of people on the topic of personal branding. The question came up about social media. I took a deep breath and honestly expressed, "well - I've made a lot of mistakes there and I've learned from trial and error." Ultimately the advice I gave was to invest time and energy into multiple platforms and for specific purposes. I did express that my personal preference these days is not to engage with close friends and family on social media but rather to make the time for real exchanges with them.
When I think about purpose and the feeling I have about all of us having one, I can't help but imagine the need for a diverse set of social platforms that cater to each of these and no one platform representing all of us. Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, LinkedIn, you name it - depending on what you are doing at any given point in time it could very well make sense to see time spent on these as an investment and one should weigh the return on that investment when deciding how much time to spend.
If the collaboration, networking, knowledge sharing and content creation is not aligning you with your purpose or ushering you forward on your path - stop.
The other thing I've realized is that time is the one resource that can't be accumulated or recovered, in fact you can loose it - you can loose future time and opportunity if you are not mindful about what you are doing.
Now I am all about spontaneity and play and creativity and spending time doing these things has always given me a return on investment. Each of these can be done through social media or in some digital medium but even these need diversification.
What I want to be so careful about is that connection to self worth and how it is measured and how those feelings of personal accomplishment are expressed in the world in general.
My value is extraordinary. This is an internal measure. A sacred measure. Where I choose to add value and to receive value can be opportunistic or deliberate but should always be symbiotic or selfless (based on my values anyway). You know what made me feel the most odd about Facebook was that I felt like I was shifting into a taker mode. Taking the attention of others for personal gain.
If my work adds value and a community of people share that work in support of the ability to add more value to the world around me - wonderful!
My heart has been feeling a lot as of late and the conversations Ive been having, the doors opening, the opportunities coming and the picture of the future forming has so little to do with social media with the exception of being present there as a way to be connected to the right people at the right time and the right knowledge or collaboration.
All the rest of it feels like hype and there is a hype cycle well documented as it pertains to new innovations and in particular technological innovations. I think Im just in sync with the fact that the hype is coming to an end and that integration is on the horizon. The future of social collaboration will be less about hype and more about deliberate people/community driven purpose. Less about the individual and more about communities of practice.
There will always be great minds and passionate hearts behind the scenes driving these communities of practice but real leadership, purpose driven, whole hearted leadership does not get up on a pedestal. It's never about them, it's always about the purpose that everyone is connected to. That is the path of an authentic leader.
Respecting a communities sacred space is about respecting the community. You don't respect a community by constantly putting the same people on pedestals or allowing the same people to climb up on them all of the time. Attention seeking is insecurity. When you know your value, when you know your worth, you don't need to advertise. Everything you need comes to you!
All you have to do, is show up and decide where you want to show up. Showing up in only the same place all of the time is limiting yourself. Showing up too many places is also limiting yourself. Connecting your purpose and sacred space lets you know when, where and how to show up and to trust the rest will take care of itself.
If creating yourself and putting yourself out there on social media is one way to express what one is proud of accomplishing then why put all of your eggs in one basket? Perhaps that does make sense if you want to go the route of high risk, high reward but to be a bit more pragmatic might be a better strategy and changing that strategy over time and based on changing circumstances could actually be a very smart thing to do.
A friend and I this week were talking over coffee about how much people generally "puff up" on social media. He shared stories of people who's lives were falling apart behind the scenes but on Facebook you'd think they were the happiest and most accomplished people in the world.
This fascinated me considering some of the examples included divorce, loss of loved ones and career changes. With all that life has to offer in terms of ups and downs it seems strange that the identities we create for ourselves wouldn't accurately reflect this. Again, Im feeling a little better about having puffed up during challenging times being not so alone about it.
Today I had the opportunity to present to hundreds of people on the topic of personal branding. The question came up about social media. I took a deep breath and honestly expressed, "well - I've made a lot of mistakes there and I've learned from trial and error." Ultimately the advice I gave was to invest time and energy into multiple platforms and for specific purposes. I did express that my personal preference these days is not to engage with close friends and family on social media but rather to make the time for real exchanges with them.
When I think about purpose and the feeling I have about all of us having one, I can't help but imagine the need for a diverse set of social platforms that cater to each of these and no one platform representing all of us. Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, LinkedIn, you name it - depending on what you are doing at any given point in time it could very well make sense to see time spent on these as an investment and one should weigh the return on that investment when deciding how much time to spend.
If the collaboration, networking, knowledge sharing and content creation is not aligning you with your purpose or ushering you forward on your path - stop.
The other thing I've realized is that time is the one resource that can't be accumulated or recovered, in fact you can loose it - you can loose future time and opportunity if you are not mindful about what you are doing.
Now I am all about spontaneity and play and creativity and spending time doing these things has always given me a return on investment. Each of these can be done through social media or in some digital medium but even these need diversification.
What I want to be so careful about is that connection to self worth and how it is measured and how those feelings of personal accomplishment are expressed in the world in general.
My value is extraordinary. This is an internal measure. A sacred measure. Where I choose to add value and to receive value can be opportunistic or deliberate but should always be symbiotic or selfless (based on my values anyway). You know what made me feel the most odd about Facebook was that I felt like I was shifting into a taker mode. Taking the attention of others for personal gain.
If my work adds value and a community of people share that work in support of the ability to add more value to the world around me - wonderful!
My heart has been feeling a lot as of late and the conversations Ive been having, the doors opening, the opportunities coming and the picture of the future forming has so little to do with social media with the exception of being present there as a way to be connected to the right people at the right time and the right knowledge or collaboration.
All the rest of it feels like hype and there is a hype cycle well documented as it pertains to new innovations and in particular technological innovations. I think Im just in sync with the fact that the hype is coming to an end and that integration is on the horizon. The future of social collaboration will be less about hype and more about deliberate people/community driven purpose. Less about the individual and more about communities of practice.
There will always be great minds and passionate hearts behind the scenes driving these communities of practice but real leadership, purpose driven, whole hearted leadership does not get up on a pedestal. It's never about them, it's always about the purpose that everyone is connected to. That is the path of an authentic leader.
Respecting a communities sacred space is about respecting the community. You don't respect a community by constantly putting the same people on pedestals or allowing the same people to climb up on them all of the time. Attention seeking is insecurity. When you know your value, when you know your worth, you don't need to advertise. Everything you need comes to you!
All you have to do, is show up and decide where you want to show up. Showing up in only the same place all of the time is limiting yourself. Showing up too many places is also limiting yourself. Connecting your purpose and sacred space lets you know when, where and how to show up and to trust the rest will take care of itself.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Day 7 - What if possibility is all the rage?
I want to be careful how I write this post but Ive got to put this story out there.
Saturday evening, after a wonderful day, when I got home for the night I felt something shifting inside of me. It was a feeling that scared me and one that I was not very familiar with. Somehow I had the whits about me to recognize that something was about to happen and I started a casual stroll around the block listening to some mellow music when it churned a little more and a little more.
I realized it was about to be something very negative, very angry and I did - I became afraid.
So, I stopped by the liquor store and grabbed a bottle of wine, went home and had a few glasses.
Im not condoning doing that, but I don't drink and it was just too much to take and believe me when I say I can take a lot.
Now, in the past I've over-shared on social media and I want to honor my commitment not to continue that behavior. But something I am realizing is that I over-shared positivity on social media. To even see the pictures of food, the running and the other achievements along my deploy phase might create the perception that everything is positive in my life and this post is to keep that picture balanced and authentic.
So - what I was feeling and ultimately what came up was rage. And I don't mean the kind of rage that makes one want to hurt anyone, I mean the kind of rage you might see in a baby just loosing it in crib.
I walked into a room in my house, got on my knees and just went with it.
What came up and out was a ton of bricks. One at a time and they just kept coming. The words I said, the volume in which they were said and the tears, good grief. It was not sadness or frustration, it was rage - it was out of control and it was amazing!!!
Even as I type right now I am laughing and laughing about the experience. In fact, Ive been laughing ever since. I even woke up in the middle of the night laughing.
Here is the vulnerable part of this. I don't think I let myself feel negative emotions because I think I carry a belief that they are not good and that they might hurt others. Or, at least I did apparently. Perhaps that is changing and a dream to be authentic is one that will include all of my human feelings.
Once I began letting myself be exposed for behaviors that just didn't fit my character and ones I had connected shame to, things started moving and shaking inside. A cracking open and a relief began.
I had no idea that it was just opening up the space for something bigger to finally come out.
What if our negative emotions can be productive? What if giving them a place to do their job is very very human? And what if raging like a crying baby in a crib is a skill we were born with and it's as fundamental as eating or sleeping?
Now, my roommate was not home - I don't know how people do this with kinds and partners in close proximity.
But I am a grown man that raged like a baby and I love it, I feel safe sharing it and as Ive spoken about it with others this week I am finding that so many of us just don't create the space to rage when we need to.
It felt like I was expelling something very toxic, letting it get out of me. And I don't know how to explain this exactly, but it also let me feel completely helpless, completely and mercilessly exposed.
Ive been sleeping like a baby, singing and laughing. There is a renewed pep in my step and the way people around me are responding to me makes me feel much more connected ... not so alone in a crowd.
Ive also had the opportunity to see unchecked raged within the behavior of another person this week and I don't think I would have recognized it as rage previously. It's coming out as coercive and manipulative and just wreaking havoc on people in their life.
This is a skill that needs a sacred place to deploy and to be safely deployed without feeling ashamed. I don't know how to do that for others but I'm grateful I found a way to do it for myself and I'm grateful that it just happened on it's own and I was able to let it happen.
When you meet yourself like that and go through it and come back lighter, it makes the world less of a scary place. So what, I can get hurt and I can be upset and if I have the right way of processing that I can do this for the rest of my life.
Im left wondering just how much havoc I might have been wreaking on myself and any others over the last year as I kept so much emotion bottled up and pushed myself to just keep working instead?
The reasons for the rage are personal but I will share that they are also so human - it's all about past dreams not coming true. It makes total sense that it would come up and clear out to make room when pursuing a new one. <3
To me, this is an indicator deploy is working and that everything inside of me is lining up in honor of this pursuit. Im not bringing baggage this time, clearing out my sacred space. Daring to go for a dream means risking epic disappointment. Today, I genuinely feel the words "so what" in response to that. Risking disappointment is thinking in terms of problems. What if get it? What if possibility is all the rage? :)
Saturday evening, after a wonderful day, when I got home for the night I felt something shifting inside of me. It was a feeling that scared me and one that I was not very familiar with. Somehow I had the whits about me to recognize that something was about to happen and I started a casual stroll around the block listening to some mellow music when it churned a little more and a little more.
I realized it was about to be something very negative, very angry and I did - I became afraid.
So, I stopped by the liquor store and grabbed a bottle of wine, went home and had a few glasses.
Im not condoning doing that, but I don't drink and it was just too much to take and believe me when I say I can take a lot.
Now, in the past I've over-shared on social media and I want to honor my commitment not to continue that behavior. But something I am realizing is that I over-shared positivity on social media. To even see the pictures of food, the running and the other achievements along my deploy phase might create the perception that everything is positive in my life and this post is to keep that picture balanced and authentic.
So - what I was feeling and ultimately what came up was rage. And I don't mean the kind of rage that makes one want to hurt anyone, I mean the kind of rage you might see in a baby just loosing it in crib.
I walked into a room in my house, got on my knees and just went with it.
What came up and out was a ton of bricks. One at a time and they just kept coming. The words I said, the volume in which they were said and the tears, good grief. It was not sadness or frustration, it was rage - it was out of control and it was amazing!!!
Even as I type right now I am laughing and laughing about the experience. In fact, Ive been laughing ever since. I even woke up in the middle of the night laughing.
Here is the vulnerable part of this. I don't think I let myself feel negative emotions because I think I carry a belief that they are not good and that they might hurt others. Or, at least I did apparently. Perhaps that is changing and a dream to be authentic is one that will include all of my human feelings.
Once I began letting myself be exposed for behaviors that just didn't fit my character and ones I had connected shame to, things started moving and shaking inside. A cracking open and a relief began.
I had no idea that it was just opening up the space for something bigger to finally come out.
What if our negative emotions can be productive? What if giving them a place to do their job is very very human? And what if raging like a crying baby in a crib is a skill we were born with and it's as fundamental as eating or sleeping?
Now, my roommate was not home - I don't know how people do this with kinds and partners in close proximity.
But I am a grown man that raged like a baby and I love it, I feel safe sharing it and as Ive spoken about it with others this week I am finding that so many of us just don't create the space to rage when we need to.
It felt like I was expelling something very toxic, letting it get out of me. And I don't know how to explain this exactly, but it also let me feel completely helpless, completely and mercilessly exposed.
Ive been sleeping like a baby, singing and laughing. There is a renewed pep in my step and the way people around me are responding to me makes me feel much more connected ... not so alone in a crowd.
Ive also had the opportunity to see unchecked raged within the behavior of another person this week and I don't think I would have recognized it as rage previously. It's coming out as coercive and manipulative and just wreaking havoc on people in their life.
This is a skill that needs a sacred place to deploy and to be safely deployed without feeling ashamed. I don't know how to do that for others but I'm grateful I found a way to do it for myself and I'm grateful that it just happened on it's own and I was able to let it happen.
When you meet yourself like that and go through it and come back lighter, it makes the world less of a scary place. So what, I can get hurt and I can be upset and if I have the right way of processing that I can do this for the rest of my life.
Im left wondering just how much havoc I might have been wreaking on myself and any others over the last year as I kept so much emotion bottled up and pushed myself to just keep working instead?
The reasons for the rage are personal but I will share that they are also so human - it's all about past dreams not coming true. It makes total sense that it would come up and clear out to make room when pursuing a new one. <3
To me, this is an indicator deploy is working and that everything inside of me is lining up in honor of this pursuit. Im not bringing baggage this time, clearing out my sacred space. Daring to go for a dream means risking epic disappointment. Today, I genuinely feel the words "so what" in response to that. Risking disappointment is thinking in terms of problems. What if get it? What if possibility is all the rage? :)
Monday, May 12, 2014
Day 6 - What if judgement and actualization are oil and water?
When it comes to hearing people's dreams or hearing about people's problems - to really hear people Im finding that judgement should be completely off the table.
Sometimes people just want to know you are in it with them - not trying to solve for them, not trying to change them - just in it with them. Heaven knows it would feel great to just hear those words from people from time to time myself. Luckily - Im teaching people how to support me this way as part of deploying my dream. It's been so great to call up even my sister and say - "Im recruiting you for something, do you want to help?" She is so happy to be included.
A few of my favorite words I've learned to practice with great care are "I don't know what to do but I'm right here with you!" and to ask others to say that if that is how they really feel based on what I am saying.
As it turns out - EVERYBODY wants to solve problems!!!! And EVERYBODY seems to be an expert!!! This CRACKS ME UP!!! I can totally relate to it!
When you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, Problem Solving and Creativity are part of Self Actualization but when you focus only on problems your risk sliding back into Safety and Security. If humanity wants Self Actualization I can see why many find purpose in solving global problems connected to Safety as part of that pursuit. It is very honorable in my view.
For me, my purpose is to help people, business and organizations achieve that Self Actualization and to support them up the pyramid where ever they feel their next dream should take them, all the while doing the same process for myself.
As I think about Safety and the way problems trigger perceptions we are not safe I love asking weather something is going to be a big deal in 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months or 5 years? That question is amazing when trying to gain perspective and curtail judgement.
One of the interesting things I learned about judgement from Brene Brown and her research is that she found that we judge in the areas where we feel the most insecure and then we pick people doing worse than we are doing. We only judge in areas where we struggle with worthiness.
Ok, so mixing problems with judgement just seems like a recipe for disaster.
On one hand this was an amazing insight because it helped me look at people who had judged me through a very different lens and one that allowed for empathy and genuine compassion to emerge. People closely connected to problems and continuous judgement may constantly struggle with worthiness and especially if they are attracted to solving problems.
On the other hand, ouch again! As I sit here reflecting on various judgements of my own I am realizing how toxic it is to struggle with any kind of worthiness issue and how ridiculous it is to allow any measure outside of yourself to become attached to that. I am so guilty of this behavior!
Being a social media guru within a Fortune 500 company put me on that white horse and made me feel like I needed to perform in all areas and in all ways on social media. I allowed that to turn social media into a form of competition and comparing. Then - I blended that with my personal life connections and relationships.
Hearing from others that the moments I impacted their lives most had nothing to do with social media allowed me to get off that white horse, and Im so relieved. Im a pursuer of possibility and social media is simply one of my mediums. Pursing possibilities and considering they are endless allows me to go many directions including ones that are not comparable, nor ever need to be.
Really digging into what has worked about social media in the past and placing parameters around those specific intentions on line has been incredible. The recipe for my unique dream leverages social media as a tool - like a fork to eat with. My smart phone has also began to look like a fork to me. It's like, oh, it's time to eat a meal - I need a fork. Or oh - it's not time for that right now and I'm not hungry.
And again, about that white horse. The white horse is clearly connected to esteem in Maslow's hierarchy of needs. So the good news is, folks climbing on it actually have a lot of their needs met. But, it's not the top of the pyramid and it's not a competition to get there - it is a personal journey.
We can make it without puffing up! And purpose is self actualization at it's best.
This is why it is so important to do what you love to do!
Was on the phone this evening talking to a client about going through a mid-life crisis and how she felt this could be a way to break away from current paradigms and ultimately be that catalyst for the change one needs to move up that pyramid, especially if all attempts to do so in the past just did not seem to work. From that perspective we both chuckled in appreciation for the mid-life crisis. If it does the trick, then it's an example of "what works".
We also exchanged thoughts about the personal dream vs. the American dream. Some dreams I am hearing about are as simple as enjoying time spent with loved ones at the end of life, moving to a new city, buying that home or starting up a new business.
I continue to encourage people to explore what it is that they feel matters most to them in pursuit of a dream and to really think about it in terms of being sacred ground. Don't puff up, don't shrink - your purpose is your own and it will get you to the top of the pyramid, even if today's dream means not going hungry every day, finding a group of people to belong to, building up the confidence to believe in yourself or creating that product that will change the world and make it a better place.
It's not about judging - I hope we all get to the top of the pyramid.
Sometimes people just want to know you are in it with them - not trying to solve for them, not trying to change them - just in it with them. Heaven knows it would feel great to just hear those words from people from time to time myself. Luckily - Im teaching people how to support me this way as part of deploying my dream. It's been so great to call up even my sister and say - "Im recruiting you for something, do you want to help?" She is so happy to be included.
A few of my favorite words I've learned to practice with great care are "I don't know what to do but I'm right here with you!" and to ask others to say that if that is how they really feel based on what I am saying.
As it turns out - EVERYBODY wants to solve problems!!!! And EVERYBODY seems to be an expert!!! This CRACKS ME UP!!! I can totally relate to it!
When you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, Problem Solving and Creativity are part of Self Actualization but when you focus only on problems your risk sliding back into Safety and Security. If humanity wants Self Actualization I can see why many find purpose in solving global problems connected to Safety as part of that pursuit. It is very honorable in my view.
For me, my purpose is to help people, business and organizations achieve that Self Actualization and to support them up the pyramid where ever they feel their next dream should take them, all the while doing the same process for myself.
As I think about Safety and the way problems trigger perceptions we are not safe I love asking weather something is going to be a big deal in 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months or 5 years? That question is amazing when trying to gain perspective and curtail judgement.
One of the interesting things I learned about judgement from Brene Brown and her research is that she found that we judge in the areas where we feel the most insecure and then we pick people doing worse than we are doing. We only judge in areas where we struggle with worthiness.
Ok, so mixing problems with judgement just seems like a recipe for disaster.
On one hand this was an amazing insight because it helped me look at people who had judged me through a very different lens and one that allowed for empathy and genuine compassion to emerge. People closely connected to problems and continuous judgement may constantly struggle with worthiness and especially if they are attracted to solving problems.
On the other hand, ouch again! As I sit here reflecting on various judgements of my own I am realizing how toxic it is to struggle with any kind of worthiness issue and how ridiculous it is to allow any measure outside of yourself to become attached to that. I am so guilty of this behavior!
Being a social media guru within a Fortune 500 company put me on that white horse and made me feel like I needed to perform in all areas and in all ways on social media. I allowed that to turn social media into a form of competition and comparing. Then - I blended that with my personal life connections and relationships.
Hearing from others that the moments I impacted their lives most had nothing to do with social media allowed me to get off that white horse, and Im so relieved. Im a pursuer of possibility and social media is simply one of my mediums. Pursing possibilities and considering they are endless allows me to go many directions including ones that are not comparable, nor ever need to be.
And again, about that white horse. The white horse is clearly connected to esteem in Maslow's hierarchy of needs. So the good news is, folks climbing on it actually have a lot of their needs met. But, it's not the top of the pyramid and it's not a competition to get there - it is a personal journey.
We can make it without puffing up! And purpose is self actualization at it's best.
This is why it is so important to do what you love to do!
Was on the phone this evening talking to a client about going through a mid-life crisis and how she felt this could be a way to break away from current paradigms and ultimately be that catalyst for the change one needs to move up that pyramid, especially if all attempts to do so in the past just did not seem to work. From that perspective we both chuckled in appreciation for the mid-life crisis. If it does the trick, then it's an example of "what works".
We also exchanged thoughts about the personal dream vs. the American dream. Some dreams I am hearing about are as simple as enjoying time spent with loved ones at the end of life, moving to a new city, buying that home or starting up a new business.
I continue to encourage people to explore what it is that they feel matters most to them in pursuit of a dream and to really think about it in terms of being sacred ground. Don't puff up, don't shrink - your purpose is your own and it will get you to the top of the pyramid, even if today's dream means not going hungry every day, finding a group of people to belong to, building up the confidence to believe in yourself or creating that product that will change the world and make it a better place.
It's not about judging - I hope we all get to the top of the pyramid.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Day 5 PT2 - What if everyone needs a platform of self worth from which to see change?
As I spent much of my time today reading and contemplating honesty it suddenly hit me that seeing one's self grow and improve is valuable! Attaching self worth to accomplishments that one strives for - makes sense.
And to put that out there for others to see also makes sense, especially if it is for people to see that you genuinely care about or if for some reason promoting that accomplishment might open doors to new opportunities.
I can see LinkedIn this way, without any questions or concerns - so what was it about Facebook that had me so bent out of shape?
In hind sight it was the blend of family, friends, acquaintances and business contacts that made it so challenging. Some posts were for co-workers, others were for friends and some were to expand my network to new people but in my mind and in my heart the degree to which I feel accomplished varies within each of these groups and for different reasons.
I think I tried to make it a one stop shop for all social networking and didn't do enough to invest in real conversations with close friends. So when the time came to need to have real conversations, people were just so used to me plugging along and getting things done, or even leaning on me for their needs.
These behaviors -
And to put that out there for others to see also makes sense, especially if it is for people to see that you genuinely care about or if for some reason promoting that accomplishment might open doors to new opportunities.
I can see LinkedIn this way, without any questions or concerns - so what was it about Facebook that had me so bent out of shape?
In hind sight it was the blend of family, friends, acquaintances and business contacts that made it so challenging. Some posts were for co-workers, others were for friends and some were to expand my network to new people but in my mind and in my heart the degree to which I feel accomplished varies within each of these groups and for different reasons.
I think I tried to make it a one stop shop for all social networking and didn't do enough to invest in real conversations with close friends. So when the time came to need to have real conversations, people were just so used to me plugging along and getting things done, or even leaning on me for their needs.
These behaviors -
Over committing
- Over expecting
- Over working
- Over analyzing
- Over comparing
- and Over sharing
These are behaviors that I feel somewhat guilty about. It's in acknowledging this and acting on change that keeps them from becoming something I am ashamed of.
How much of my quest for perfection came at the expense of keeping challenges secret?
And how much of that secrecy turned what should have simply been guilt into shame?
And when you're too busy to realize you are sitting on a secret you are a ticking time bomb!
What I love about acknowledging and changing behavior is that it allows for me to take responsibility and course correct. Guilt is good for that. You realize one day that the way you talk to someone makes them feel different than the way you intend, you feel guilty about it and then you try to change. This is good!
And behavior change is wonderfully connected to a variety of apps and digital practices including blogging. Ill be honest - my journalling is so full of ideas that it's not always a place I document truth, even though that's probably a behavior I should consider changing. This, perhaps, is the down side of being a Janusian thinker when pursing creativity. Documenting angles on situations as a craft within a journal does not give journaling a place to really hear your own authentic voice.
What I like about putting some thoughts out on the web is that it does drive that desire to be accountable for what I am saying. In that case - the audience or the reader serves a purpose beyond just potentially enjoying what I am reading.
When I look at what I boasted about on Facebook, all of those things were actually true. The only difference was that I was feeling really really stressed and isolated and the behavior of Facebooking in response to feelings of stress and isolation continuously fed the problem - more Facebooking. The need to continue a steady string of successes had been part of me well before coming onto Facebook.
Reading about a Father quoted as saying "My wife and children would rather I die than fall off my white horse" put this striving for perfection into perspective for me. It let me empathize and realize that perfection is a chronic problem and the feeling of lack associated with not being enough or achieving enough is also a chronic problem.
I want to be happy for people when they achieve things that makes them happy. In fact, I usually am!
What I also want is a place to move through change and the struggles associated with change that does not require I be perfect. This means I have to embrace a measure of vulnerability and remove the expectation that I be on a white horse all of the time.
Realizing today that much of what I have written about thus far has given me permission to get off the white horse and to get my hands into the dirt. Im in a new place at work, at home and in my relationships and the seeds I plant today may not bare fruit for quite some time.
The risk here is that I am missing any of the genuine achievements my friends are posting about on Facebook and perhaps even missing out on the opportunity to be there for them in a meaningful way.
That surfaces feelings of guilt again, especially considering all of the support I have received through my community of friends on Facebook.
What Im also realizing is that having a platform for self worth and from which to see change is a need that social media can be leveraged to meet. It's about finding the right mix and balance between using a preferred platform mindfully and supporting the friendships you want to nourish in real life.
I just don't have time for 1700 friends on Facebook to the extent that I used to. It was not realistic. We're talking, I felt bad if I missed saying Happy Birthday to one person. To invest whole heartedly in a hand full of close people in my inner circle (none of which is currently being done on line) has been a big leap and huge change and one that is turning out to be so much more rewarding.
For me, social media will likely continue to be a tool leveraged for a purpose and not to enhance my personal relationships unless the person I care about really really cares about me showing up on their Facebook page from time to time in support of them.
The pictures, experiences and special moments between friends are meaning so much more to me now. Im loving group texting! And also loving Skype in addition to lengthy phone calls and in person encounters as often as possible without a constant check in and post about it.
What I really like about this experiment with Twitter is that it allows me to create that platform to see myself change while also simultaneously opening the door for business opportunities - because that is what I see Appreciative Inquiry doing for me. If I can lead this work by walking the talk, I can lead others through it authentically. My sense of accomplishment here is in the mastering of a new craft and in celebrating the outcomes of those I get the opportunity to support.
The lifestyle I choose to live is not on the table with the exception of moments shared that support Appreciative Inquiry.
After so many years on line I am amazed to find out how much I am turning out to value privacy. The transparency I create and the trust I build should be specific to my knowledge and my skills and perhaps that translates into a measure of self worth but not my over-all self worth. That should not be on the digital table. Correcting this behavior is so liberating. It reminds me that I am not my behavior because behavior can be changed and worked on. Who I am, at my core, shouldn't be open for public validation or approval. I'd argue that it shouldn't even be attached to credentials, material possessions, people you know or don't know or any of the other silly things we measure one another with. Yours and my sacred space is where our worth lies and I promise you - we are all worthy human beings!
What a learning!
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