Day 6 - What if judgement and actualization are oil and water?

When it comes to hearing people's dreams or hearing about people's problems - to really hear people Im finding that judgement should be completely off the table.

Sometimes people just want to know you are in it with them - not trying to solve for them, not trying to change them - just in it with them.  Heaven knows it would feel great to just hear those words from people from time to time myself.  Luckily - Im teaching people how to support me this way as part of deploying my dream.   It's been so great to call up even my sister and say - "Im recruiting you for something, do you want to help?"  She is so happy to be included.

A few of my favorite words I've learned to practice with great care are "I don't know what to do but I'm right here with you!" and to ask others to say that if that is how they really feel based on what I am saying.

As it turns out - EVERYBODY wants to solve problems!!!!  And EVERYBODY seems to be an expert!!!  This CRACKS ME UP!!!  I can totally relate to it!

When you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, Problem Solving and Creativity are part of Self Actualization but when you focus only on problems your risk sliding back into Safety and Security.  If humanity wants Self Actualization I can see why many find purpose in solving global problems connected to Safety as part of that pursuit.  It is very honorable in my view.

For me, my purpose is to help people, business and organizations achieve that Self Actualization and to support them up the pyramid where ever they feel their next dream should take them, all the while doing the same process for myself.

As I think about Safety and the way problems trigger perceptions we are not safe I love asking weather something is going to be a big deal in 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months or 5 years?  That question is amazing when trying to gain perspective and curtail judgement.

One of the interesting things I learned about judgement from Brene Brown and her research is that she found that we judge in the areas where we feel the most insecure and then we pick people doing worse than we are doing.  We only judge in areas where we struggle with worthiness.

Ok, so mixing problems with judgement just seems like a recipe for disaster.

On one hand this was an amazing insight because it helped me look at people who had judged me through a very different lens and one that allowed for empathy and genuine compassion to emerge.  People closely connected to problems and continuous judgement may constantly struggle with worthiness and especially if they are attracted to solving problems.

On the other hand, ouch again!  As I sit here reflecting on various judgements of my own I am realizing how toxic it is to struggle with any kind of worthiness issue and how ridiculous it is to allow any measure outside of yourself to become attached to that.  I am so guilty of this behavior!

Being a social media guru within a Fortune 500 company put me on that white horse and made me feel like I needed to perform in all areas and in all ways on social media.  I allowed that to turn social media into a form of competition and comparing.  Then - I blended that with my personal life connections and relationships.

Hearing from others that the moments I impacted their lives most had nothing to do with social media allowed me to get off that white horse, and Im so relieved.  Im a pursuer of possibility and social media is simply one of my mediums.  Pursing possibilities and considering they are endless allows me to go many directions including ones that are not comparable, nor ever need to be.

Really digging into what has worked about social media in the past and placing parameters around those specific intentions on line has been incredible.  The recipe for my unique dream leverages social media as a tool - like a fork to eat with.  My smart phone has also began to look like a fork to me.  It's like, oh, it's time to eat a meal - I need a fork.  Or oh - it's not time for that right now and I'm not hungry.

And again, about that white horse.  The white horse is clearly connected to esteem in Maslow's hierarchy of needs.  So the good news is, folks climbing on it actually have a lot of their needs met.  But, it's not the top of the pyramid and it's not a competition to get there - it is a personal journey.

We can make it without puffing up!  And purpose is self actualization at it's best.
This is why it is so important to do what you love to do!

Was on the phone this evening talking to a client about going through a mid-life crisis and how she felt this could be a way to break away from current paradigms and ultimately be that catalyst for the change one needs to move up that pyramid, especially if all attempts to do so in the past just did not seem to work.  From that perspective we both chuckled in appreciation for the mid-life crisis.  If it does the trick, then it's an example of "what works".

We also exchanged thoughts about the personal dream vs. the American dream.  Some dreams I am hearing about are as simple as enjoying time spent with loved ones at the end of life, moving to a new city, buying that home or starting up a new business.

I continue to encourage people to explore what it is that they feel matters most to them in pursuit of a dream and to really think about it in terms of being sacred ground.  Don't puff up, don't shrink - your purpose is your own and it will get you to the top of the pyramid, even if today's dream means not going hungry every day, finding a group of people to belong to, building up the confidence to believe in yourself or creating that product that will change the world and make it a better place.

It's not about judging - I hope we all get to the top of the pyramid.