I have a story to tell. I fell in love with a perfectly flawed man. He was completely honest and forthcoming about his flaws from the very beginning and I fell head over heals for him.
Then, when I exposed my flaws - he rejected me.
It hurt - knocked me down - and left me questioning everything about myself.
But what I learned was that what I was extending to him, this love regardless of flaws, was something I had not entirely given to myself. That really meant that the love I was giving was not true.
But there is such a silver lining in it.
The work around Appreciative Inquiry has been as much about innovation as it has been about reinvention. And what I've discovered is a genuine need to accept and honor the things about me that are flawed and human.
This quirky person I am is a unique combination lock for a distinct set of keys out there in the world. These keys are the right people and what this guy did was actually a gift. He showed me, he was not a right key (at least based on who was at the time).
Now, the interactions I have with others FIT. If they don't fit, they don't belong on my journey ... and you know, that's totally ok!
The more I realize I don't have to please anybody, I don't have to do anything I don't want to, all I need to do is be me and strive be the best me. Not because Im being told to do that but because it's what actually makes me happy.
When a seed sprouts it violently ruptures it's shell. Zooming in really close to see what happens exposes a beautifully disturbing and tumultuous process. Don't believe me? Check this out!
I mean, just ouch! Imagine if there were nerve endings involved in all of that! Sometimes this is what it means to be human. You rupture your current paradigm and flounder to embed new roots and reach for sunlight and until that nourishment starts to come you are nothing but a straining ruptured shell and the letting go of a world within a bean.
I've become deeply empathetic towards the disruptive journey businesses and entrepreneurs are on as they go through transformations or launches. It is quite the process!!!
So now I've shifted to that place of Me first and then give to others. Parts of me remember what this was like from prior chapters where I had the luxury of being all about me (once in my late teens and another in my mid-20's). But to be honest - Ive been working since the age of 14 and supporting myself since the age of 18. My ability to cope with challenge and to stand tall in the face of uncertainty has been a work in progress. But the result here has been an incredible degree of resiliency and a knack for reinvention. Each time I go through something like it there is this drifting that happens and it drives me nuts. Im laughing so hard at myself right now. I wish I could send a love letter to myself to open back in March of last year.
It would have read - "You just go promoted and it's going to be a lot of work. I want you to know how much I love you and need you to take care of yourself. There's going to be a man and he's going to change your life and I want you to let it happen. There's going to be moments that will hurt very badly but I want you to picture this seed rupturing it's shell. You're on your way kiddo and something you can't even imagine right now is about to happen. Enjoy the ride! You're life is not going to look or feel the same ever again."
So what Im realizing now is that growing is a constant state of rupturing these seed walls and sprouting again and again. Ugh and yippie!
One thing, in hindsight, is how important self love really is. It's like watering that seed. Rupturing a dry encasing vs. one that is watered is a very different experience.
Im not worried about what I have to offer the world or the future I can feel myself growing and I know it will be awesome in it's own way.
Im not worried about what I will get for it, it's not about that! Im not worried about who will see it or how many people will see it. Im not even worried about success or failure. What keeps me up at night right now is whether or not I loved myself enough each day and whether or not I was kind enough to myself as I faced what ever challenge came my way whole heartedly. I wonder if I am laughing enough and enjoying enough and allowing others to make me laugh or to add enjoyment to my journey.
It's not a question about whether or not I will make others laugh or add enjoyment to their journey. Doing this has never been hard for me. That's the cake walk.
So right now ... Im feeling love and too much is not enough! All the other stuff just keeps happening, keeps moving forward and keeps delivering. What a strange chapter.
Im reminded of another lyric from one of my favorite songs - Hyperballad by Bjork.
"I go through all this, before you wake up. So I can feel happier, to be safe up here with you."
Looking back has now shifted to a moment of feeling safe up here. I get it. I so get it! For now anyway ... until the next time I need to rupture and grow.
No comments:
Post a Comment