And to put that out there for others to see also makes sense, especially if it is for people to see that you genuinely care about or if for some reason promoting that accomplishment might open doors to new opportunities.
I can see LinkedIn this way, without any questions or concerns - so what was it about Facebook that had me so bent out of shape?
In hind sight it was the blend of family, friends, acquaintances and business contacts that made it so challenging. Some posts were for co-workers, others were for friends and some were to expand my network to new people but in my mind and in my heart the degree to which I feel accomplished varies within each of these groups and for different reasons.
I think I tried to make it a one stop shop for all social networking and didn't do enough to invest in real conversations with close friends. So when the time came to need to have real conversations, people were just so used to me plugging along and getting things done, or even leaning on me for their needs.
These behaviors -
Over committing
- Over expecting
- Over working
- Over analyzing
- Over comparing
- and Over sharing
These are behaviors that I feel somewhat guilty about. It's in acknowledging this and acting on change that keeps them from becoming something I am ashamed of.
How much of my quest for perfection came at the expense of keeping challenges secret?
And how much of that secrecy turned what should have simply been guilt into shame?
And when you're too busy to realize you are sitting on a secret you are a ticking time bomb!
What I love about acknowledging and changing behavior is that it allows for me to take responsibility and course correct. Guilt is good for that. You realize one day that the way you talk to someone makes them feel different than the way you intend, you feel guilty about it and then you try to change. This is good!
And behavior change is wonderfully connected to a variety of apps and digital practices including blogging. Ill be honest - my journalling is so full of ideas that it's not always a place I document truth, even though that's probably a behavior I should consider changing. This, perhaps, is the down side of being a Janusian thinker when pursing creativity. Documenting angles on situations as a craft within a journal does not give journaling a place to really hear your own authentic voice.
What I like about putting some thoughts out on the web is that it does drive that desire to be accountable for what I am saying. In that case - the audience or the reader serves a purpose beyond just potentially enjoying what I am reading.
When I look at what I boasted about on Facebook, all of those things were actually true. The only difference was that I was feeling really really stressed and isolated and the behavior of Facebooking in response to feelings of stress and isolation continuously fed the problem - more Facebooking. The need to continue a steady string of successes had been part of me well before coming onto Facebook.
Reading about a Father quoted as saying "My wife and children would rather I die than fall off my white horse" put this striving for perfection into perspective for me. It let me empathize and realize that perfection is a chronic problem and the feeling of lack associated with not being enough or achieving enough is also a chronic problem.
I want to be happy for people when they achieve things that makes them happy. In fact, I usually am!
What I also want is a place to move through change and the struggles associated with change that does not require I be perfect. This means I have to embrace a measure of vulnerability and remove the expectation that I be on a white horse all of the time.
Realizing today that much of what I have written about thus far has given me permission to get off the white horse and to get my hands into the dirt. Im in a new place at work, at home and in my relationships and the seeds I plant today may not bare fruit for quite some time.
The risk here is that I am missing any of the genuine achievements my friends are posting about on Facebook and perhaps even missing out on the opportunity to be there for them in a meaningful way.
That surfaces feelings of guilt again, especially considering all of the support I have received through my community of friends on Facebook.
What Im also realizing is that having a platform for self worth and from which to see change is a need that social media can be leveraged to meet. It's about finding the right mix and balance between using a preferred platform mindfully and supporting the friendships you want to nourish in real life.
I just don't have time for 1700 friends on Facebook to the extent that I used to. It was not realistic. We're talking, I felt bad if I missed saying Happy Birthday to one person. To invest whole heartedly in a hand full of close people in my inner circle (none of which is currently being done on line) has been a big leap and huge change and one that is turning out to be so much more rewarding.
For me, social media will likely continue to be a tool leveraged for a purpose and not to enhance my personal relationships unless the person I care about really really cares about me showing up on their Facebook page from time to time in support of them.
The pictures, experiences and special moments between friends are meaning so much more to me now. Im loving group texting! And also loving Skype in addition to lengthy phone calls and in person encounters as often as possible without a constant check in and post about it.
What I really like about this experiment with Twitter is that it allows me to create that platform to see myself change while also simultaneously opening the door for business opportunities - because that is what I see Appreciative Inquiry doing for me. If I can lead this work by walking the talk, I can lead others through it authentically. My sense of accomplishment here is in the mastering of a new craft and in celebrating the outcomes of those I get the opportunity to support.
The lifestyle I choose to live is not on the table with the exception of moments shared that support Appreciative Inquiry.
After so many years on line I am amazed to find out how much I am turning out to value privacy. The transparency I create and the trust I build should be specific to my knowledge and my skills and perhaps that translates into a measure of self worth but not my over-all self worth. That should not be on the digital table. Correcting this behavior is so liberating. It reminds me that I am not my behavior because behavior can be changed and worked on. Who I am, at my core, shouldn't be open for public validation or approval. I'd argue that it shouldn't even be attached to credentials, material possessions, people you know or don't know or any of the other silly things we measure one another with. Yours and my sacred space is where our worth lies and I promise you - we are all worthy human beings!
What a learning!
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