Well, now Im feeling good taking care of myself - saying no when things don't align and yes when they do.
The calmness and confidence are back. I can feel myself genuinely being present for others and empathetic towards them.
It's not that each day goes without challenges or the occasional fear, but it's becoming more like - oh, ok, this is happening now - let's deal with it.
I think a part of me just didn't trust that I was taking care of priorities and it felt like I was spinning.
My real story here is that certain aspects of who I am stand as guardians and protectors. Some of what others may perceive to be less than idea qualities actually flair up so that I can return to that sense of self. The need to change, the gut instinct that something is not right, the sense of self feeling out of balance and the overwhelming nature of certain obstacles just stacking up. What would a skunk do in this situation?
I'm being honest with myself about certain people that came into my life last year.
What if so much of what happened was just protecting me? In hind sight - I think this is the real story after all. When things are so busy that you can't settle into your own intuition and your own inner dialogue, sometimes parts of who you are have to take the reins to ensure you are safe.
What if a health issue is a way you are keeping you safe, or, a mask, or even behaviors that can send people running? What if it's all a way to protect you? And especially if the people you are responsible for supporting are people that nobody ever see's or knows or really can? 20,000 employees and their ideas. Sheesh!
Deep breaths, efforts to focus, small wins, being my own source for validation and seeing people for their strengths have all returned and seem to be consistent.
Humor and kindness bubble up throughout the day and the pressure of puffing up is gone.
I can see these guardians of mine relinquishing the wheel to me yet again. I'm trusting myself to make awesome decisions and practicing them with purpose.
There are big goals, and big deliverables and accountabilities in my reality - right now - but with oars in the water - stroke after stroke - Im moving.
This sense of 'self love' as a priority and seeing it as the source through which I give to anyone has been an incredible shift. I mean, the audacity that one takes care of one's self first. How dare I?
Ive asked almost everyone Ive come in contact with if they can look at themselves in the mirror and say that they love themselves and mean it. To my shock, the answer has been 100% - No.
I don't see this as a problem. I see this as a possibility.
Teaching Project Me, applying Appreciative Inquiry and building up who you are, for yourself, and in a way that does not puff up, in a way that keeps you humble, in a way that declares your sacred space - is very valuable! Then - put YOU in play and give back.
Im having to be careful about who I make eye contact with right now. People are drawn to me again. It's happening everywhere I go. These words are true, and saying them is sacred.
There's seeing yourself in someone's eyes and feeling your own sense of self worth and then there's seeing something that someone else has in their eyes and wanting it.
This boundary is so clear.
So yes, Im still your average guy, human just like everyone else and I'm still an adaptive narcissist, able to look myself in the eye and love what I see, but I am also an altruist at heart and know in my heart that Im here for something bigger and it will benefit many people! And, I have tricky little guardians that keep me safe from the wrong people and I'm quite grateful for them. But I want to trust myself to do this job.
Great things ahead in all that I do and for all who are fortunate enough to cross my path.... if you are the right people.
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