Day 19 - Coming out as a healthy narcissist and proud :)

Yesterday, was one of those unique days when you get that feeling like no matter what, everything is going to be just fine.

I stood at the San Diego convention center looking out over the ocean, tall buildings around me, trees growing up through holes in the concrete and hedges of jasmine flowers.  It felt like something from a science fiction film with the blend of architecture and nature and the view.  The clouds were especially appropriate and so perfect for the thoughts and feelings I was having.

Clarity - purpose - confidence - self love - surrendering.

I wrote a resignation letter to the Universe and I read it aloud staring out over the San Diego bay.

"I'm done being in charge, Im yours, and Im ready." - were the primary themes.

As I walked alone I could feel myself connecting with the sets of unique abilities I have.... touching each inside, warming them up like little engines that could.  The gaze on my face was determination, but subtle and caring.  Im not just a machine ... I have an enormously endowed heart.  Actually, I am an enormously endowed human.

This morning I walked by the mirror and paused to look myself in the eyes.  Got in very close and started to have a conversation with me.  A personal one.

I looked at myself in the eyes, the way Ive looked at lovers and was taken back - it took my breath away.  It was intriguing I wondered if I'm becoming a complete and total narcissist.

During this conversation with myself I wasn't admiring anything physical about myself, it was looking into my own eyes with complete honesty and finding myself loving who I saw in there.  I asked myself, "are you ready for what's to come?"and then looking right back at me the words came out "you're building, you're taking care of you - right now - that is your assignment and you don't have to do anything else you don't want to right now - keep it up".

This did not feel like the words of a narcissist.  But, I was still curious enough to look up a little about healthy narcissism and read this blog.

It's obvious to me now that Facebook had become an expression of the psycodynamic mask model of narcissism and it flared up during times of high stress and rapid change as a way to see metrics I could control (generating like counts & comments), validation and a steady source of pleasure in support of, well -  just coping with life.  Yup - I was one of those kids who's parents did not believe in giving every kid a trophy for everything they did.  Add to that, being gay, coming out, abandoning religious programing and flying solo into the world to make something of myself .... yeah, I get it.  Throw in some heartbreak, new responsibilities at work and a little over-isolation, over working and a few health challenges ... yeah - I get it.

Im so grateful that I could feel something was just wrong and that it was coming out through Facebook. I'm so grateful that my healthy narcissism took a turn towards the mask model and made me feel inauthentic.  Im so grateful that the right people came into my life and acted as catalysts to discover this.

In the end, Im so proud of myself.  I listened to my internal feelings.  I listened to my gut.  I changed the things I did not like about my circumstances.

Project Me - Deploy Phase - it's out on the table, this is all about me and I could care less about who reads it, favorites it or re-tweets it.  Will say this again, if these words add value to your life - good.  Im glad.  But I'm doing this for me.  Get your own Project Me!  You're worth it!!

This is as consistently authentic as I've been on social media, I think ever in my life.  What I post matches exactly how I am feeling and it's not always happy.  Some of these questions, while appreciative, are rooted in real challenge and real work and there is some real growth taking place.

Im just glad that I'm looking at myself lovingly and taking myself out into the world to have conversations in epic settings about my purpose.  This is so - authentic me.  I felt like a comic book character having a conversation with the Universe at the convention center.  OMG - I love me so much!

Im so grateful to be giving myself the time and space to build and pursue what feels right to me right now!

Of course I am spending time with people and going places and doing things but that's none of your business.  That's not what I'm on social media for right now.  And my life, is not up for validation.  Neither are my choices.  Nor is my purpose.

So there ya have it.  I am coming out as a healthy narcissist and proud of it :)