There's so much about your life that you have to be grateful for that can stay in your heart and does not have to be shared on line. I'm enjoying being mindful of that balance as I blog about each day of deploy.
Today's opportunities to connect and belong are mine. They were wonderful and I'm quite grateful for them. Have mindfully selected a few pieces to share.
All I can say is that being daring and putting yourself out there is a risky venture and the right thing to do, but all the while remembering that both you and others are simply human.
Last night I spent over an hour on the phone laughing with a good friend, just making fun of our quirks together. Oh but the quirks that I have.
We talked about vulnerability. It's an interesting topic to me because it's all about the right level of vulnerability given the specific situation and the person you are talking to. What I've learned is that the 'over-share' is actually an alternative way to validate un-belonging because it triggers people's boundaries and if when sharing something deeply personal, and especially if what you are sharing is connected to feelings of unworthiness or non-belonging, you actually reinforce that underlying belief when you trigger their boundaries.
I have to remember this because it's actually very easy for me to talk about my feelings, and in particular, challenging ones. Can pride myself on being poetic about it actually.
It's a tricky balance to create those really meaningful connections with people on a level that adds up to authentic belonging and trust though.
One of the things I struggle with, and I spoke about it last night with my friend, is being empathic. When people are talking to me I don't just hear the words they say - I feel what they say, I imagine what they say and I put myself into their shoes while they talk. When hearing a difficult story, or even someone who is masking a difficult story talk about every day things, my heart and my chest immediately brace for the inevitable compassion and understanding.
There is something very 'who I am' about giving people a way to feel heard and seeing the relief on their faces when that happens. It reminds me just how rare this is in today's world of busy & high pressure lifestyles.
I have to remember that this super power is one of my gifts and that it takes it's toll. And more importantly, need to ask myself if I'm using my own power on myself enough before giving to others!
One part of my connection and belonging deploy phase is to deepen that connection within myself and to really belong to me. As I journal, I find it interesting what seems to come up sometimes. If it seems to be pretty intense I will stop and tell myself a story in the mirror. When the story is over, regardless of how I am feeling, I ensure that I acknowledge what I just shared whole heartedly and then tell myself (looking directly in the eyes) how much I love me and how proud I am of who I am. I self talk the way I would support a friend telling the same story. If this effort does not help then it's an indicator that I need to seek others and open up.
It could be something as simple as a monologue about how hard I pushed myself the last 2 hours and how I just don't understand why I can't work at a pace that allows me to enjoy the work instead of devouring it. Or it could be about blowing it and making some mistake. Im ok sharing this example publicly as I am sure many many people can relate.
Today I actually went to the mirror and had a conversation about that push and that drive and asked myself to tell me the story of where it comes from and why. The story that came up was mine but I can tell you it was rooted in shame and anxiety. Giving me the space to hear me, acknowledge me and move through that release of the pressure really rooted me in a sense of self. I laugh thinking about what these conversation must look like - in fact, it's like the self pep talk in the mirror but more therapeutic and sometimes involves crying or frustration and what ever other feeling might be involved.
But if I don't do this, I end up resentful about using my gift. It's like being an interior designer and working tirelessly to create beautiful spaces for others and then living in a shit hole. And for as much as it might be interesting as an interior designer to pay another designer to create your space, there is something uniquely wonderful about giving your own gifts to yourself. It feeds self love and you can't love others if you don't love yourself. When I am at my best at doing this, my inner world is the most beautiful world I've ever seen. The symphony of feelings that bubble up, are embraced, loved and acknowledged and then leveraged to fuel imagination, wonder, creativity and possibility .. I mean - I've left myself in awe of what can happen inside of me. This awe is on par with the experience I had seeing the Great Pyramids and I didn't even have to leave my home.
But like any symphony it takes orchestration, selecting the right players, ensuring they are well practiced and then conducting with the intent to play a beautiful piece of music.
What I've realized with AI is that much of last year was a shifting of instruments and feeling out of control of that shifting. When I approached fixing this like it was problem, I made it worse. When I analyzed it - I made it worse.
Instead of worrying so much about the players in the orchestra inside, I went out and discovered what ever players felt right and pulled them together, wrote a song and now the practice has begun.
The unique difference this time is that this orchestra and the music are all for me. I'm not doing any of it for an audience. If you are reading this, you are connected to me and getting insight into what I am doing but I do need to say, very boldly, you can observe but this is not for you.
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